


Creature Comforts

by cabensonism (youhappenedovernight)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 29,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youhappenedovernight/pseuds/cabensonism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Your bones have been my bedframe and your flesh has been my pillow. And I'm waiting for sleep." - Ani DiFranco</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters because if I did, well, this show wouldn't be what it is.
> 
> A/N: This is my very first attempt at writing something full length, so I hope it comes out well :)

Every night, Alex turns on her computer. The icon for Skype is on the left-hand side. Kinshasa is 5 hours ahead, so all she can do is hope that Olivia is home and online. She loves the work she does there and in The Hague. She loves how grateful her boss seems to be – a sharp difference between Kinshasa and Manhattan. She loves the people she works with and the people she helps. Still, she misses everything about Manhattan – the cold weather, the slosh of dirty rain water under her shoes, the streets littered with garbage and taxi cabs, Olivia.

She misses Olivia like she has never missed anything before. She misses her more than Mr. Softie. That’s for sure.

She loves her. That one person could mean so much has never occurred to Alex until Olivia happened.

Tonight, as she sat cross-legged on her couch, Olivia’s face popped on her screen – with that smirk and the hair that has grown long and thick and those eyes that even through a computer screen looked like they practically shimmered.

Hi gorgeous. Alex thought. A smile plastered across her face, she was tempted to touch her screen – to pretend to touch her face.

“What time is it there?” Olivia smiled. God, her smile was so welcomed in Alex’s apartment.

“11:00 PM. Why are you home so early?” Alex kept a clock set to EST – she knew it was only 6:00 PM in Manhattan.

“Day off.”

“Olivia Benson took a day off? Am I in the Twilight Zone?” 

“You’re so funny. I’ll have you know the Olivia Benson you knew, who never took a break, has changed.”

“I hope she hasn’t changed too much.”

“Don’t worry. The fridge is still empty, the bed is still unmade, and there’s a mountain of laundry still sitting in the middle of the bedroom floor.” Alex laughed, remembering that Olivia Benson very fondly, “Why are you up so late?” Olivia smirked.

“11 PM is late?”

“For the chronically sleepy woman on my computer screen, yes. Yes, it is late.”

The silence between them was pronounced, though not uncomfortable. It had been days since they’d been able to do this. Sure, there were emails in between and Olivia had even taken a few pictures of the guys at the precinct for her. These pictures weren’t meant to make Alex see what she was missing, but to see how much she was missed. But seeing her reminded Alex just what home felt like and, for once, she didn’t feel so alone.

“It’s good to see you, Alex.” Olivia said so softly that the computers microphone barely picked it up.

But Alex heard it. She heard it loud and clear.

“It’s good to see you too, Liv.” She was blushing, but she couldn’t look away, “Have the last few days been crazy or…?”

“That’s part of the reason I’m home now. Cap ordered a break.”

“Now that’s the Olivia Benson I know.”

“Yeah, yeah. How are you? Kinshasa treating you well?”

She nodded, “I really love the work I do here, Liv.”

“Does this mean you’re—“

“I’ll be back to New York. I love the work I do here, but it isn’t home.”

“I’m proud of you. You know that right? So, so very proud.”

Alex swallowed thickly, her heart constricting tightly in her chest.

“I know. I know.”

They stayed online for a few hours, before Alex yawned and Olivia forced her to get off the computer.

“Goodnight, Olivia. Stay safe tomorrow.”

“You too.”

Olivia kissed the tips of her index and middle fingers and placed them against the screen. With a grin Alex did the same and waited until Olivia took her fingers away to remove her own. She waited a while longer until Olivia logged off.

Alex loves her.

She wishes with everything that she could just say so.

She closed her laptop softly, padded slowly to her bedroom, and changed into pajamas. Her last thoughts, as they have always seemed to be, were the moments when Alex could have told her – the first night she spent with Olivia, inadvertently spent in the crib talking about everything under the sun, or the first time they’d gone out without the guys – just the two of them and Alex had Olivia’s full attention.

And she, somehow, missed her even more.

XX

Every morning after Olivia talks to Alex, she feels rejuvenated. Alex does that for her. When she’s honest, she knows that Alex has always had that effect on her.

They share the same passions – for justice, for doing what is right, and for protecting survivors. Those passions always seemed to bounce between them like an electric current that kept them linked, even when things were acrimonious. The fact that they shared those passions made Olivia wonder: did they share the same desires as well?

And what Olivia seemed to desire most, these days as much as she did years ago, was Alex.

The following morning, Olivia walked into a crime scene with a renewed confidence. If Alex could be in a foreign country, changing lives as she had in New York, then Olivia could certainly do the same in the city where she grew up. And maybe, just maybe, she could make Alex just as proud of her as she was of Alex.

Elliot smiled in the direction of his partner with a cup of coffee in hand. Like anyone who knows someone as long as Elliot and Olivia have, he knew just how she took her coffee – one cream, two sugars. For the same reason, he could tell there was something different about her. An extra bounce in her step.

“Talk to Cabot recently?” He asked.

“Yeah, actually. Why?” She took the offered coffee and sipped. Yep, perfect.

“You’re just different when you’ve spoken with her.”

“Huh? I – I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“No? Alright.” He laughed, “I’m just saying. When you speak to her, you just seem different. It’s okay to admit that she might mean something to you.”

“Of course she does. She’s – she’s my best friend.”

“You’re sure that’s all she is?”

“Would you cut it out? We’ve got a job to do.”

Melinda Warner stepped aside so the detectives she’d grown to love could view the victim – a young girl; she couldn’t be more than thirteen.

“What do we have?” Elliot asked, while Olivia knelt to get a closer look.

“So far, all I’ve been able to discern is that she was certainly strangled. You see these ligature marks here and here?” Melinda pointed out, “I’m not seeing anything that indicates a rape, but I’ll know more once I have her on my table.”

Olivia nodded.

There was always something about the cases with kids – kids of any age – that took a little piece of her soul. After so many cases, she wasn’t sure how she still had soul left to give. Alex would understand that and, if she were here, she’d hold her and tell her it would be okay – that she could keep fighting tomorrow.

“Thanks Melinda.”

“I’ll be in touch.”

And somehow, all of this made her miss Alex just that much more.


	2. Chapter 2

She misses home.

Her work makes her happy – unbelievably so. She reminds herself everyday that she needed a change from SVU, from Manhattan, and that’s what brings her to Kinshasa. She needed to feel like she’d made a difference and she hadn’t felt that way in a long time in New York.

Alex kept her phone in her pocket. Sometimes Olivia would send her an email or two during the day. She liked to be sure she’d get it as soon as possible. And in the middle of a meeting, her phone buzzed on the table softly.

**From: Olivia Benson**

**Hey, I have the weekend off (Cap’s orders…again). Do you want to spend the weekend with me?**

**Liv**

Alex smiled, imagining the shy smirk that would undoubtedly grace Olivia’s face as she typed the email. Shy Olivia was cute and just the right amount of sexy. Poor thing barely realized that, though. Somehow, Alex thought that was just a part of her draw.

**From: Alex Cabot**

**How is that going to work? Are you going to fly to me?**

**Alex**

Nearly five minutes later, her phone buzzed again. Either Olivia wasn’t busy, or she was taking the time out for her. She hoped for the latter.

**From: Olivia Benson**

**Skype. All day long. I found a few games we could play online together and you can show me your apartment. I can show you my apartment too, though you’ve seen it a million times. What do you say?**

**Liv**

There was nothing more that Alex would love than to spend her entire day with Olivia, even if it was just through the Internet. But there was something hiding behind Olivia’s typed words. She felt that maybe this was something Olivia needed – had the week between been that bad? And even more, would Alex’ presence make it better for her? She only hoped so. She knew that Olivia had that effect on her. Reading the email for a second time, Alex could hear it in Olivia’s voice. She knew if she closed her eyes, she’d be able to envision Olivia there with her. _Not the right setting for fantasies, Alex._

There are moments like these often and, when they happen, she misses home.

**From Alex Cabot:**

**It’s a date.**

**Alex**

XXX

The week seemed to drag on for Olivia, but at least they were closer to finding this child’s killer – having narrowed down their suspect list to two possibilities and finding solid evidence that seemed to implicate one over the other. She didn’t want to stop working. After all, solid evidence and the suspect list becoming narrower did not constitute a closed case. But she was following orders. Somewhere deep inside, she knew she needed the break. She needed the sleep, the rest, and the time away. Her captain was good at seeing that in her and even better at making her listen to him. 

More than anything, she needed to talk to Alex.

On a frosty November morning, Olivia sat cross-legged on her sofa with a bowl of cereal and Alex Cabot on her computer screen.

“Mornin’.” Olivia smiled, a mouth full of cereal. Alex had been a sight for sore eyes, her hair in a sloppy ponytail, dressed in an old NYPD t-shirt that Olivia recognized as her own, “I bet it’s warm there.”

“You’re making assumptions…”

“You are in Africa, Alex. I know a thing or two about geography.”

Alex grinned, “You’re right, it is warm. It’s in the upper 80s.”

“I wish.” Olivia said softly, “Hey…is that mine? Your shirt?”

“You know it is.” Alex lifted a corner of the shirt; “I snuck it out of your apartment the day before I left. You’re not mad are you?”

“No, not at all.” I’m anything but mad, “Anything I have is yours. You know that.”

Was that a faint blush Olivia detected?

“Thanks. It’s – er – it’s nice to have something from home.” Alex brought the shirt to her nose. Tears threatened to fall, but Olivia smiled through them, “Anyway, I’m not used to seeing you eat anything more than a donut for breakfast, but cereal? That’s a new one.”

“Coco Puffs.”

“Wow. Olivia Benson eats Coco Puffs.” Alex smiled, “You’re an adult, Olivia.”

“Okay, Judge Judy –“

Alex snickered, “Wow, that was really, really bad.”

“Shut it. Okay, you want to show me your place?”

Alex’s apartment was much like the one she had in Manhattan. Perhaps not as large, but certainly as well put together. The couches were cream-colored with chocolate brown pillows. The tables were the same shade of brown. Her bedroom was white with shades of blue – same as it was in Manhattan.

A few hours later, Alex was beating Olivia at an online trivia game.

“Oh my God this is an easy one Olivia.”

“Says you, Miss Jeopardy. How am I supposed to know who said ‘When large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable not to trust anybody’?” Olivia clicked the button to pass the question.

“Agatha Christie.” Alex smiled as she typed the answer.

“How do you know that?”

“I’m trying to figure out how you don’t. And, I beat you.”

“Next time, Scrabble. I can beat you in Scrabble.”

“Are you sure about that? I am a lawyer; words are sort of my thing.”

“And I’m the daughter of an English professor…”

“Who can’t quote Agatha Christie.”

“That’s not fair.”

They shared a laugh. Olivia always loved Alex’s laugh. She knew Alex had more than one laugh. There was the one that preceded a Cabot-style tirade. That laugh was downright frightening. And then there was the one that only Olivia heard. It was full and loud and happy. It was beautiful.

“Still, words are my forte. Or have you forgotten already?”

She could never forget Alex’s way with words – words that could, at once, cut her down and turn her on.

“No, I haven’t forgotten.”

“Liv?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s this really about? Why did you need to talk to me through Skype today?”

Olivia walked Alex through her most recent case, just as she would if Alex were still there – as if she were still the ADA. Alex noticed that candidness of the conversation – Liv didn’t hold back any information. She didn’t treat Alex as a civilian, because, in many ways, Olivia knew that Alex was not one.

“I just – lately I’ve been feeling like everything I do is not enough. Yes, we’re pretty certain we’ve got the guy, but that doesn’t bring her back and it doesn’t erase the grief her family feels. Nothing I do can fix those things.”

“Olivia, you are not Superwoman. You can’t save everyone.” Alex paused, “You – you give so much of yourself and you don’t ask for anything in return. It’s admirable, but it’s a surefire way of burning yourself out. And the city needs you more than you think it does.” She smirked, “You can’t be a superhero for everyone. But, to someone, you are his or her superhero. So, take this break, recharge your batteries, and save the world for that one person.” _Save the world for me._

Swiping away at tears, Olivia laughed, “Thanks, Alex.”

“Anytime. I’m proud of you, Olivia.” _And I love you more than you know._


	3. Chapter 3

The week had been hell. Alex had a direct flight to The Hague to assist in a trial in the International Criminal Court on Friday, but had been busy all week in preparation. In addition to her regular hours, she spent two nights that week in her office, pouring over files and dissecting each and every detail until she felt she had a full grasp on it. That meant ignoring her personal life. She’d only spoken to Olivia twice through email. And she missed her – she missed the connection they shared.

She settled into her hotel room, stripped, and threw on a t-shirt. The bed welcomed her – soft, warm, and perfect for what her body needed. 

It felt nice to finally be in bed, to be resting and warm and, mostly, in settled on solid ground. For someone who flew often, she hated it. But as she settled underneath her blanket, she couldn’t seem to get her mind to stop running in circles. Her fear of inadequacy, of never being quite enough, consumed her on nights like this – nights when she was away from her home base. Nights when Olivia was immediately accessible. 

Alex knew Olivia’s work schedule by heart, even when her schedule was often variable, and knew the detective would be at the precinct.

_Try to sleep. Olivia doesn’t need you calling her or emailing her at all hours of the night just because you can’t seem to get your shit together._

She tossed and turned for two hours before she gave up on sleep and sat awake, staring at the ceiling. Frustrated, she played with her phone and scrolled through some of the last pictures she’d taken when she was at home. There were some of her family members – Alex was an only child, but she had a ton of cousins who served the same purpose. Many of her pictures were of them. But as many pictures as she had of them, she had twice as many of her friends at the 16th precinct. Her second family. Her home away from home. In many ways, they knew her better than her biological family.

She paused on a picture of Olivia. It was taken without her knowledge. Face in a file, she was biting a corner of her bottom lip and her eyes were so focused. Her hair had fallen slightly over her face, not obstructing it but framing it.

Alex has seen her like this before. So focused, so in the game. It’s what made her a good detective, but Alex wondered if that would make her a good lover as well – how all that focused energy would feel if it were focused on her. _Good God_.

That familiar chill coursed through her, as it often did when she thought about Olivia. The fluttery feeling in her stomach, the almost painful throb in her core, and the tightness of her nipples as they strained against the thin t-shirt she wore to bed.

She typed an email, knowing full well that she wouldn’t send it.

_Dear Olivia,_

_I know you will never see this email because I’ll never send it. For as strong as I am in the courtroom – as self assured and confident – around you, I am just as shy. And yet, on nights like tonight, I crave your attention and your praise, just so I can get through tomorrow._

_I often wonder what you would think if you knew how often I think of you. Many times it’s just the thought of who you are – strong willed, smart, dedicated – that gets me through tough days and nights. I want to be those things too, to be like you for you, because I know there is no room for someone timid and fearful in your life. You need someone as strong as you are and I can be that for you._

_And then there are those other thoughts, the ones that get me through lonely nights when my desire for you is completely out of my own control. I am most ashamed of those thoughts because I know that I can never tell you about them, I can never act on them, if only out of the fear that you will reject me. I hate that I can’t control those thoughts. I think about how your body would feel against me, the way you might kiss me – how you would smell and taste, the sounds you might make._

_What it all boils down to, Olivia, is that I love you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. I wish I knew how to make you want to stay with me forever._

_Yours,_

_Alex_

Alex sighed loudly and hit save. Maybe one day she’d get the courage to press send.

“Sleep, Alex. Sleep.” She chastised herself.

Her phone made a soft beep beside her.

Lifting the glaringly bright phone to her face, she smiled.

**From Olivia Benson**

**Alex,**

**Just thinking of you :) I know you’re probably panicking, worrying about how you will manage to be of any use in court tomorrow. But you are Alexandra Cabot – you’re adaptable, you’re smart, and you’re incredible. Good luck tomorrow, but you won’t need luck. You have the brains, the talent, and, if all else fails, the looks ;)**

**Talk soon,**

**Liv**

She smiled as she lightly kissed the screen of her phone and then sighed. She really was that pathetic, she thought. How, at 37, could she be so ridiculously juvenile?

XXX

Olivia awoke in the crib at dawn. The twilight, mixed with the lights of the city, shone through the small windows and tired brown eyes blinked away the sleep. She’d only been asleep for a while – she’d worked twenty hours straight, only taking a break to eat, get coffee, and send Alex a last minute email. She managed to get three hours of sleep, though it wasn’t a very good sleep – it was in the crib, after all, and those beds were unforgiving.

She checked her phone, smiled when she saw the email left for her.

**From Alex Cabot**

**Liv,**

**Thank you.**

**Alex**

**PS. Let me know when you’re free. Skype date?**

Olivia smiled and made a mental note to email Alex as soon as she knew when she’d be free. Push come to shove, Olivia would make time.

With a yawn, she made her way back to the bullpen.

“Nice bedhead.” Fin laughed.

Two hands quickly reached up to pat down her hair. I need a haircut. I wonder how Alex feels about my hair…

“Shut up, Odafin. What have we got?”

“Punk lawyered up. Can’t touch him.”

Olivia shrugged. She’d love a crack at him. But they had to do this by the book. The ADA they were dealing with was not Alex – she couldn’t circumvent the law and use it to their advantage as a group like Alex could. In comparison, Alex was a mastermind. But, in Olivia’s opinion, Alex was the greatest legal mind of the century.

“Hey, Liv?” Fin called out softly.

“Hmm?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah…well…” Elliot may have been the person closest to her and Cragen may have been her only father figure, but Fin was the only person beside Alex that had never judged her “Would you like to get real coffee with me?”

Fin just smiled and stood, “So, how is Alex anyway?”

Letting out a loud sigh, Olivia smirked at Fin, “Complicated.”

“When has it been anything else?”


	4. Chapter 4

“Tell me what’s going on.”

Fin had spent the last 10 minutes watching Olivia stir her coffee continuously, long after necessity. Fin was a good guy. Fin didn’t judge her, didn’t think to offer opinions unless they were asked of him.

“I miss Alex.” Olivia said softly.

“We all do.”

Olivia looked up. Her eyes could not betray the depth of her feelings, “Not the way I do.”

Fin remained silent.

“I love her, Fin.” Olivia paused, her eyes glistening with tears, “I love her.”

He smiled, knowingly. Everybody knew. “You gonna tell her?”

“I want to, but – I mean, she’s Alex. She’s so far out of my league.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Liv.”

“And we’ve changed so much.”

“And yet, you still love her. You still speak with her regularly. You still have that look in your eyes when you talk about her.”

“What look?”

“That whole, pathetic puppy dog thing you do.” Fin laughed, “Nah, it’s actually cute. I see why Alex fell for it.”

“You think – you think she’d be…”

“Into it? Of course. If she knows what’s good for her.”

XXX

Jim once told Alex that it was impossible to date a civilian. She couldn’t come home and explain a murder to a businessman, not really. But even Jim wasn’t as deep into the filth as Alex was, as much as she hated to admit that.

It’s why Alex always seemed to come back around to Olivia. It didn’t matter how long it took or what she had to go through to be by her side again, but she needed a healthy dose of Olivia Benson regularly. Olivia just got it.   
Alex hated to quantify crime or criminals, but garden-variety murderers had nothing on what she and Olivia saw. They had nothing on child rapists. So, when Olivia held her and told her it would be okay, she believed her. Because Olivia saw it. Because Olivia lived it, even more than Alex did.

Alex wondered almost every night what it would be like to fall asleep beside Olivia. Even better, to wake up with her there too. She found herself imagining often how the sun would reflect on her skin. She imagines it would make her look golden. The mere thought of waking up to her makes Alex warm, and it made her want to have that more than anything.

“So, how’d it go?” Olivia asked. Alex watched her mannerisms – her fidgeting fingers, first tapping each other, and then running through her hair. Alex has never seen Olivia’s hair so long and, as much as she hated to admit it, she really loved it. While it had been Olivia’s butchness that initially attracted her, this new, confident, feminine version was just as exciting, perhaps more so. 

“Good. I just had to give a presentation to the Chief Prosecutor. It felt sort of juvenile, but it worked.” Alex adjusted her laptop on her thighs so she could lean back on the headboard.

“I knew it would.” Olivia smiled, “You _are_ Alex Cabot, after all. Smart, cunning, and beautiful to boot.”

Alex blushed heavily, “You think I’m beautiful?” 

“You know I do.”

Fuck being smart and cunning. Olivia Benson thought she was beautiful.

“Anyway,” Olivia shied away and Alex recognized that she was putting her guard back up. _No, no. Please don’t run away._ “What’s next on your agenda?”

“Oh, not too much. I’m headed back to Kinshasa tomorrow afternoon. I have to meet with two victims the next day. You – you would not believe how much these women have been through Olivia.”

“I can imagine.”

“They need someone like you there.” Alex started, clearing her throat before continuing, “You’re fearless. No, you feel the fear and you do it anyway. They need that here.”

Olivia averted her eyes, afraid of the tears that felt close to falling, “Alex…”

“If only all of law enforcement were like you, Liv. If only.” Alex tried hard to hide the sigh that escaped her lips, but couldn’t seem to manage that.

“When are you coming home?” _To me._

“For good or for a visit?”

“Both.”

“For good, in about 7 months. For a visit, I’ll be in New York the week before Christmas until January 3rd.”

“Will you come see me?”

“I was hoping you’d pick me up at the airport…”

“I would love to.”

“I’ve already made reservations and bought my ticket.”

“Reservations? You can stay here.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose—“

“When would you be imposing on me? I’d love to have you here with me.” Olivia smiled, “I miss you, Alex. I know you’re needed there, but I miss you here.”

“I’ll be back, Olivia. Soon.”

Olivia’s lip trembled slightly, “Not soon enough.”

XXX

Thanksgiving night. Olivia found herself here – in Elliot Stabler’s home – for the past 12 years. The Stabler children surrounded her. In all honestly, only one of them, Eli, was still really a child. As welcome as she was here, it only highlighted what she didn’t have, a family. Being here, being with them, was always bittersweet.

After dinner had been made and consumed, Elliot motioned for Olivia to follow him to the porch. The sun had long disappeared. It was colder than normal for November in New York. She could feel the chill coming through her coat, through her skin and bone. She clutched the mug of homemade hot cocoa tighter.

“What’s going on with you, Olivia?” Elliot’s voice was soft, pleading.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been so distracted recently.” He paused, “You know you can tell me anything.”

No, she couldn’t. Whether Elliot would admit it or not, he still held resentment toward Alex. He cared for the woman, trusted her professionally, but did not trust her personally. She could see it in his eyes, even when he was joking. And that meant that this conversation – as much as she trusted and loved Elliot – couldn’t happen.

“It’s nothing, El.” She handed the cup back to Elliot, “Tell Kathy and the kids I had to run.”


	5. Chapter 5

The week leading up to her return to the city and woman she loved had driven Alex crazy. Olivia, actually, drove her crazy. They’d spoken every night via Skype and every interaction, every talk and every gaze, wore Alex down bit by bit.

First, it was the night they played an online game of Scrabble.

_“Liv, you’re choice of words are so—“_

_“So, what?”_

_“So…cop. Suspect, defense, pistol…”_

_“And your words are any better? I’m suspicious about ‘allocution,’ Alex. I feel like you cheated.”_

_“But you can’t prove that.” Alex grinned at Olivia’s exasperated expression._

_“You would have to be a lawyer, wouldn’t you?”_

_“Fine, I’ll slow down. For you.” And then Alex decided to take a chance. As she placed the digital tiles in their spaces, Alex struggled to look directly at Olivia, even though “directly” meant through a computer monitor. The letters L, O, and V were placed above the E in Olivia’s ‘suspect.’ She watched as Olivia’s eyes softened – no one else would have noticed. No one but Alex._

_Olivia breathed deeply, “That’s better.” She smiled. Moments later, Olivia’s word popped up on Alex’s screen. Built off of the L of “love,” Olivia spelled “lust.”_

_The look in her eyes, once again reserved for Alex, was something the blonde had never seen in Olivia, but it was identifiable nonetheless. Desire. Want. Craving._

_And Alex was starting to have a hard time concentrating on anything._

_“I win.” Olivia’s voice was soft, laced with everything that her eyes radiated._

That night, Alex managed to keep from pleasuring herself to the thought of Olivia. Tonight, she wouldn’t be so lucky. The thought of their last Skype date, over two hours ago, had invaded every inch of her. And the vividness of the encounter hadn’t seemed to dissipate.

_“Alex, could you give me two seconds. I need to change out of these clothes.”_

_“Sure. I’ll be here.” Alex laughed._

_The angle of the laptop, which was placed on Olivia’s dining table, gave a clear view of the big mirror on the living room wall. Alex knew the apartment well – the mirror, if you were looking at the right angle, gave you a view of Olivia’s bedroom._

_Where the brunette just happened to be undressing._

_‘Oh, fuck.’ Alex wanted to look away – she **should** have looked away, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. Olivia slowly removed her slacks, revealing the skimpiest lace panties Alex had ever seen. Who knew cops dressed like that underneath? She lifted her sweater and tank top over her head, turning her back to Alex. Deft fingers unhooked her bra._

_She wanted her to turn around. She wanted to see. She’d imagined what her breasts looked like so many times. Would the real thing be like her imagination? Olivia turned just slightly to reach a t-shirt. The real thing was much better. Much, much better. She could almost feel, almost taste, Olivia’s nipple on her tongue – the color a shade darker than Olivia’s olive-toned skin._

_‘God. Alex. Is this a test of some sort?’ If it was, she didn’t know if she was failing or passing with flying colors. She wasn’t sure she even cared. Arousal was instantaneous._

Alex could remember the conversation, just what Olivia’s breasts looked like, even once she was covered with a t-shirt. Her body was on fucking fire and her mind was stoking it – she couldn’t stop imagining Olivia, in various stages of undress.

Olivia was on top of her. Naked, skin to skin. Her body pressed into the mattress, lips touching.

“Fuck it.” Alex whispered to an empty apartment as she allowed her fingers to travel under her t-shirt to cup her own breast. Her nipple responded quickly, straining against her palm. She squeezed roughly and released. She’d been wet since the beginning of their conversation and she was only getting wetter now. She didn’t want to do this, she tricked herself into believing. No, this was all Liv’s fault. She did this on purpose. Alex was convinced. And once she was convinced, well, there was no telling her otherwise.

And there was no way she’d stop herself now.

Her fingertips grazed her stomach, over her belly button, across trembling muscles as she longed for Olivia. She imagined Olivia’s lips there, kissing her stomach slowly until she reached the apex of her thighs. Her fingers dipped below the waistband of her panties, the warm wetness apparent before she reached her opening.

She groaned, her fingers dipping in between folds, finding herself wet – possibly wetter than she’s ever been (and that included that one interrogation when she went all “Dykes on Bikes” on a suspect targeting lesbians – she thought she’d never get wetter than that).

She closed her eyes tightly, her fingers swirling around her clit as she imagined Olivia’s tongue circling her. Her thighs trembled, imagining her legs draped over Olivia’s strong back.

“Fuck—“

It was never this easy for her to come, but she was already coming undone. Her index finger circled once, twice, three times and her knees buckled. Her back arched. A choked sob escaped her throat.

She screamed.

In the hollowness of her dark, empty apartment, Alexandra Cabot screamed.

_Olivia._

XXX

Olivia spent the entire night cleaning her apartment – top to bottom, spic and span – which explained why she dragged her tired ass into work the next day.

Elliot could see the change in Olivia, but she wouldn’t talk about it and he wouldn’t push. He was too tired to push and he was tired of this game they played. The game of “Elliot pushes, Olivia pulls away.” For once, just once, Elliot just wanted her to stop pulling away from him, but he no longer had the energy to care.

Distractedly, Olivia tried to do paperwork. But all she could seem to think of was Alex – Alex’s smile, Alex’s lips, her eyes, and the way she looked at her the last time they spoke. After Olivia changed and returned to the computer, Alex had this look in her eyes. She looked like she wanted her. The thought had caused Olivia both arousal and distress since. She hadn’t been able to think of much else.

The hours inched on and finally her watch read 7:00. She started packing up, feeling the anxiety of seeing the love of her life, though unbeknownst to that love, seeping through the very pores of her skin to the bone.

“Where are you going?” Elliot looked up from his own stack of paperwork, “It’s only seven and you have a mountain of paperwork to do.”

“I’ve got something to do.”

Evasive. Olivia was always good at being evasive.

“Like what?”

“Yo, Stabler.” Fin spoke from across the room, “Drop it.”

“Liv.” Elliot ignored Fin. It had always been tense between them, “Where. Are. You. Going?”

“To pick up Alex. Jesus, Elliot. Calm down.”

“Alex is coming home?”

“Yes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be late.”

Alex. It had always been Alex, Elliot thought.

XXX

JFK felt like home – anywhere on land felt like home, after 2 stops (one in Paris, the other Amsterdam) and a total of 21 ½ hours in the air.

But nothing felt more like home than the pair of brown eyes she found smiling at her through the crowd. She dropped her bags and walked quickly, dodging people on her way.

Alex wanted to kiss her senseless.

But she’d settle for being in the circle of Olivia’s arms, feeling her heart beat against her own, and being surrounded by everything that was this magnificent woman.

“Welcome home.”

It was the sweetest thing Alex had ever heard.


	6. Chapter 6

Though the ride home was silent, Olivia had turned on the radio. The irony was not lost on Alex that “I’ll be home for Christmas” was playing. There were four days left to Christmas, but Alex knew they’d been playing Christmas music since early November and this was one of those songs that played multiple times a day. 

She took a chance and reached over to touch Olivia’s hand. Olivia flipped her palm over, as to hold her hand more closely. Alex was home – she had family to visit and friends to see, but home was truly here in this car with the woman she loved. Of course, unbeknownst to the woman herself, but Alex was unwilling to analyze why she hadn’t done anything about it yet.

XX

It was the same apartment – the same pictures on the mantle, the same smell of sandalwood and vanilla. The woman had changed in many ways, but in every way, she was just the same. Olivia was her constant. No matter how much they changed, Olivia was still the same and Alex took solace in the fact that at least one thing in her life would always be there.

“You’re probably exhausted, huh? Couldn’t have been a short flight.” 

“Longest ever.” Alex chuckled, running her fingers through long, tangled, blonde hair.

“Did you want to take a shower? You know where everything is, right? You haven’t forgotten that, have you?”

“You know I haven’t.”

Olivia smiled. The smiles she received through Skype had nothing on that smile in person. She didn’t smile often – in their profession there wasn’t much to smile about. But when she did, Alex swore it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. She wanted to be the person who made her smile like that, at least once a day.

“Well, you know – anything I have is yours. Okay? Clothes, whatever.” Olivia shrugged, pretending to be at least a little disinterested.

Alex took a pause before traveling through the house, taking a moment to scrutinize Olivia. Her hair was now shoulder length, perhaps a bit longer. She was curves for days, she was intense sensuality, and she was in all ways both innate femininity and acquired masculinity – just in one woman. It made Alex insane. She was still so very beautiful and Alex was still very much in love with the woman she saw. 10 years and counting, Alex thought with a smile.

“What?” Olivia asked.

“Hmm?”

“You were staring at me. What’s up?”

Alex giggled, nervously, “Nothing. I – uh – I’m just glad to be home and happy to see you.”

One more hug was all Alex needed, until she received it. Olivia’s body against her own reminded her of that other need. The urge to kiss her in places she’d only imagined had become stronger than ever now that they were standing here in the same room and her body was becoming more and more desperate for contact.

“I’m happy to have you home.” Olivia spoke softly before releasing Alex and ushering her toward the shower.

“Don’t look through my bags!” She shouted from the bathroom, “Or I’ll tell Santa you’ve been bad!”

After a shower, Alex changed into Olivia’s clothes – a Siena t-shirt and a pair of boxers. Once in Olivia’s bed, she realized she was completely and thoroughly surrounded by Olivia. She smelled like her, the clothes smelled like her, the bed was hers, and Alex was trapped.

She tingled all over, but she’d told herself that she would not have a little one-on-one time in Olivia’s bed. No. If she was going to come in Olivia’s bed, it would be Olivia’s doing. It took several calming breaths and a count to ten for Alex to stop imagining Olivia pinned underneath her.

_Alexandra Cabot you are done being a coward. You will not leave this city without telling her how you feel._

At the same time that she felt intensely overwhelmed by desire, she also felt an intense calm. Alex had been a woman who suffered from regular bouts of insomnia, found herself falling fast asleep.

XX  
While Alex napped in Olivia’s bed, Olivia tried to concentrate on the work she’d brought home – she tried to make a connection between two seemingly unconnected cases. Her gut, however, told her there was something there. And her gut had always been right.

Her mind refused to cooperate, as she hadn’t stopped thinking of the woman in her bed, probably wearing her clothes. The thought of Alex in clothes that belonged to her made her heart ache. It would be so easy for her to saunter in there and kiss her awake – to find her rightful place between those legs that went on for days and take her and keep her.

_Shit._ Olivia took a few deep breaths.

Olivia was like any other warm-blooded being – she craved sex like anyone else. But those cravings, they unsettled her. Afraid of the pain she might inflict on others, emotional or otherwise, there was a reason she didn’t know the names of her most recent sexual partners. They couldn’t get close enough for her to hurt them, or for them to hurt her. And they all came to her. It had to be that way. Her biggest fear was that she’d become predatory. Her biggest fear was that she would become him.

There was a reason Olivia never let anyone get too close to her. Even Alex didn’t know everything – just how tortured Olivia really was.

_Alex deserves better._

After a few hours working unsuccessfully on her files, she placed an order at Alex’s favorite Italian restaurant. In the meantime, she tiptoed into her bedroom. Standing at the door, she looked in on Alex. She was in the fetal position, holding Olivia’s pillow close to her chest.

_So beautiful. God, I love you._

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and brushed a strand of hair from Alex’s forehead. Alex’s eyes fluttered open.

“Mmm…what time is it?”

“A little after midnight. I ordered some dinner from that Italian place you love. I hope that’s fine.”

“Perfect.” Alex yawned.

“Sleep well?”

“Very.” Alex released the pillow and put it in its rightful place. The pillow smelled like Olivia, but she really wanted the real thing, and not it’s replacement, in her arms tonight. She wondered if she pulled Olivia to her, would she object? Probably not, but could Alex handle it? Probably not – not without needing to kiss her. And if she kissed her, she’d need more – something neither woman was exactly ready for, she was sure.

_Santa, if you’re there, Christmas is only four days away. I’d like Olivia Benson under my tree. I’ve been a really good girl this year._


	7. Chapter 7

Sitting on the couch, eating from cartons, Alex’s toes tucked under Olivia’s thigh – this was the life, Olivia thought. She could do this every night – they should do this every night. Even the cold toes under her thigh, uncomfortable to most, felt wonderfully sweet.

“So, what’s the plan?” Alex asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Tomorrow, what are you doing?”

“I have to work unfortunately, but if I’m lucky I’ll be out by 8. I’m sorry.”

Alex waved her off, “Just as well. I should pop in and see George if he’s not too big of a hot shot to see me.”

“The boys would like to see you too.”

“And I them. Maybe I’ll bring you all lunch?” Alex smirked.

“They’ll love that.”

“And you?”

“And I what?”

“Would you love that?”

_There are plenty of things I’d love._ “You know I would. Free meal from my favorite attorney? Sounds like heaven to me.”

Alex blushed, though if she hadn’t bowed her head, she may have noticed that Olivia had too, “Shall I put the leftovers in the fridge?” Olivia nodded and handed over her carton to Alex.

Olivia’s kitchen was tiny, but it’s not like Olivia ever used it, though Alex knew that she could was actually a master in the kitchen. But the woman worked so hard that she never had time to cook – let alone take care of herself properly. The thought of Olivia coming home to an empty apartment, tired and sore and emotionally drained, was something that hurt Alex deeply. It wasn’t just because she was desperately, disgustingly in love with the woman, but because she’d watched her over the years give so much of herself. That someone who gave so much has to put up with so much and then be alone with her demons was unfair. 

On the refrigerator hung a picture – obviously created by a child. Alex sat the cartons on the counter and studied it – a picture of Olivia holding hands with a young boy, drawn in primary colors. It was signed “Calvin Benson.” Alex knew that Olivia kept things like this – small mementos from people she’s helped. But she’d never kept one visibly.

“Olivia?”

“Hmm?”

“Who’s Calvin?”

The mention of his name caused a physical ache. Olivia thought she was over it – over him. But how could she, when she’d been so close to him? When she’d been as close as to being his mother as she could?

Olivia came close and took the fading paper from the fridge. She fingered its edge, ran her index finger over the fading crayon marks. 

“I was working a case and this woman – her mother had been raped and Vivian, her name was Vivian, was born as a result. And I knew, I mean, I just knew – Vivian was my sister.”

“Was she?”

“No. No, she wasn’t.” She swallowed, “I shouldn’t have told her anything, I know that. She was under investigation for killing her mother’s rapist and fled. She left Calvin with me. She gave me custody of him.”

“Oh, Liv. What happened with him?” 

“She was cleared of the charges. Her girlfriend killed him. She came back and took him from me. She sent him to live with his grandparents. She wanted revenge; felt like I ruined her life.”

Alex could tolerate lots of things – rapists, child molesters, and all around scumbags attacking her, defense attorneys who just didn’t know how to quit. She could deal with Colombian drug dealers and murderers. But she couldn’t handle Olivia’s eyes before the tears started, the pucker in her chin when it quivered as she tried to hold back them back, and the way her teeth toyed her bottom lip to try to end the quivering. That – that was intolerable. That was the epitome of pain.

“Any child would be lucky to have you as a mother.” 

As Olivia moved past her to place the picture back on the fridge, she said in the softest tone, “Tell that to the four adoption agencies that turned me down, Al.”

In an act of impulse and, perhaps complete desperation – to relieve Olivia’s sadness, to make her see, feel, know that she was loved – Alex wrapped both arms around her waist and pulled her into her. Back to chest. Not even air could fit into the space left between them. It would have been easy for Alex to kiss her – her neck was right there, for the taking. And somehow, in a true test of willpower, she cared enough for Olivia not to do something so selfish. Instead, she ran her fingers through Olivia’s hair and placed a kiss to her temple.

Olivia could feel Alex’s heart beating against her back. While the thud was anything but calm, it was ever present – it was there. And that was more than calming for Olivia.

Alex whispered, “They don’t know anything, Olivia. The people in your life – the people you have let this close to you – are fortunate to have you. Any child would be lucky to have you as a parent. They don’t know you like I do.”

Olivia pulled away, but Alex could tell that this wasn’t like the other times she’d pulled away from her – it wasn’t because she wanted to distance herself from Alex, but to end the conversation.

XXX

Olivia slept on the couch and it may have been a bad idea to sleep there before work, but there was no way she was going to share a bed with Alex. She couldn’t. The sleep she got on the couch sucked – she had the sore back and the cramp in her neck to prove it – but she wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all with Alex so close to her.

Alex made coffee that morning. It was brewed strong and she poured Olivia’s cup – lots of sugar, low on cream.

There were some things you don’t forget.

They separated at the door and Olivia gave Alex her spare key. The familiarity of it all did not go unnoticed. _It feels right. It feels too right._

Alex headed toward George’s office, hoping he was available. His office was all glass and while he didn’t see Alex, she saw him, working steadily at a stack of files. She smiled – outside of Olivia, her best friend.

She knocked twice, softly. And when George looked up, the smile he had was worth the surprise.

“Alex! What are you doing here?”

“In town for the holidays, thought I’d surprise you.”

“It’s a lovely surprise! How long have you been here?” George motioned for Alex to sit in the chair opposite his at the desk.

“Just a day. I’m staying with Olivia.”

George’s eyebrows raised, “Come again?”

“Stop it.”

“Are you going to do anything about it this time?”

“I’m working on it.”

“Working on it and doing it are two different things, Alex, and you know it.”

“George…”

“Alex…”

“What should I say? ‘Oh, Olivia, by the way, I’ve been in love with you since the moment we met and I can’t stop fantasizing about what you might feel like underneath me.’”

“Okay, that’s not exactly where I was going but okay.” George laughed.

“How am I supposed to do this, though, George?”

George shrugged, “I suppose that’s up to you, but honesty usually goes a long way.”

XXX

Elliot’s relationships with the women in his life were always complicated, but none more complicated than the relationships he had with Olivia and Alex.

Olivia was mother, sister, wife, and friend all at once. Unlike his own wife, daughters, and sisters, Olivia was all his. His wife had her own sisters and brother, his sisters had each other, his daughters had other people – Olivia had no one. No one but him. And it made him feel selfish. It made him feel needy. But in the end it was that need that won out. He needed her and his needs never came secondary.

Until Alex Cabot started showing her attention – throwing her a little morsel of possible romantic interest. 

And then all of a sudden, he was secondary. Moreover, he didn’t think Alex really deserved Olivia. She wasn’t one of them – she was a friend of theirs, but she wasn’t like them.

He liked Alex. He thought the world of her. Could even say that he loved her. But he didn’t trust her. Especially not with his precious, fragile Olivia.

Yet with all of those misgivings, when he saw the blonde emerge through the door of the squad room, he smiled.

Complicated.


	8. Chapter 8

She could honestly say that she’s never felt as at-home as she does when she’s around the detectives of the Special Victims Unit; even more at-home than she feels in the courtroom. These people; they got her. They knew Alex and were overjoyed to see her. Fin was still was still had his own brand of charm, John still called her “Teflon.” And Elliot – well, Elliot was as complicated as ever.

It was no secret that Elliot disliked Alex, or something. She always felt a bit of resentment from him – resentment for who she was, the job she did. Resentment for her relationship with Olivia – something that Alex understood all to well. She felt the same. That Elliot was the one that Olivia went to when in need killed her and she hated him for it. But at the same time, there was a level of trust she placed in Elliot that rivaled the trust she placed in Olivia. He was, after all, the man that kept the woman she loved safe.

So, when it came time, she accepted and returned the warm smile and the hug he gave her.

You don’t have to like everyone in your family, you know?

Alex perched on Olivia’s desk and smiled, remembering every time she did this – sitting on Olivia’s desk, letting her skirt rise just slightly, trying to tempt the detective. She saw her look, but she never touched. So noble.

And today wasn’t too different. Alex was wearing jeans, but Olivia was still looking.

And this distracted Alex from the conversation. She watched Olivia’s eyes tracing the stitching of her jeans until she reached her hip and back again. She was openly looking – openly appreciating her. She swallowed hard, feeling the throbbing between her thighs heighten in the most deliciously painful way.

“Yeah, but Liv here got lucky.” Fin said, drawing Alex away from her thoughts.

“Oh yeah?” She turned her attention to Olivia.

“I just got some time off.”

“She did more than get time off; she got damn near a week. You have a better chance at hitting the lottery.” John smiled wolfishly.

“I’ve just been working a lot – it’s nothing.”

Butterflies. Several. Alex was nervous. She would be with Olivia alone for days – how was she supposed to keep from jumping her? Should she even try? Butterflies were quickly followed by dread. What if Olivia wasn’t as receptive as she hoped?

_Only one way to know for sure._

XXX

Alex spent an hour with the detectives before heading out. She made on stop to grab some wrapping paper, hoping she’d have enough time to wrap at least her gifts for Olivia before the detective left work. Meticulously cutting, folding, and taping the sparkly blue and silver paper (for Alex hated that everything associated with Christmas was automatically red or green when there were more beautiful color combinations in the world), she managed to finish before taking a picture of those gifts, wrapped perfectly, on the bed.

She sent the picture to Olivia along with a message.

**You need a tree. Where else am I going to put these gifts?**

**_Such a demanding houseguest! Fine, we’ll go tonight._ **

XXX

If there was one thing that Alex loved more than anything in this world, it was shopping for a Christmas tree. Tall, small, skinny, fat – she loved them all. It was dark and cold, but the shop that they were in had covered the area of trees with Christmas lights.

“That one’s too tall.” Alex said as Olivia pointed to the tree beside her, “Wouldn’t fit on the squad car, let alone in your apartment.”

“Well, what about this one?”

“Too short.”

“Okay…. and this one?”

Alex’s eyes lit up. The tree was about six feet tall – perfect for the apartment – with a fullness too it. A balsam fir, she noted.

“Perfect.” Alex came closer, for inspection, and found herself only inches away from Olivia, “It’s perfect.” She whispered softly as their bodies inched closer, heads beginning to tilt, lips beginning to open…

“You ladies finding every thing okay?”

And just like that – a man in heavy, dirt-stained overalls with a lumberjack mustache dashed what could have been their first kiss.

“We’d like to get this tree.” Alex said, a possessive arm wrapped around Olivia’s waist the moment she saw Lumberjack’s eyes travel to Olivia’s bust.

“Would you like it delivered or…”

“You can strap it to the roof of that Crown Victoria over there.”

“Are you sure? Do you have someone to lug it into your place for you? It’s a big tree – I can send one of my guys to help you. I could even help you.” He flicked his eyes back to Olivia.

“That won’t be necessary, will it, sweetie?” Alex gave Olivia’s waist a squeeze, her thin fingers sliding to her hip, holding her closer, tighter. With Alex’s body flesh to her own, Olivia knew her heartbeat was strong enough for everyone to hear.

“No, I guess it won’t.”

_That’s right, Casanova Lumberjack, beat it._

Inside the store, they purchased the tree and ornaments.

“So, what was that all about?”

“Hmm…oh, you mean that guy?”

“Yes, that guy.”

“He was hitting on you.”

“And…”

“And, he had a job to do.” Alex smiled shyly.

XXX

Alex smiled up at the perfection that was their tree. White lights with multi-color bulbs. 

“We never got a Christmas tree – growing up.” Olivia said softly.

“No?” Alex was shocked, “Is this your first tree?” Olivia nodded. Alex smiled, though sadly, “Well, I’m glad we have one now.”

In that moment, Alex knew, she just knew, that she wanted to be the one giving Olivia everything she’d ever been denied – family vacations in exotic locations, Christmases surrounded by people who loved her.

XXX

Olivia still took the couch, wrapped in blankets to keep warm. It wasn’t so bad, honestly. She slept alright there – until she heard Alex’s shriek from the bedroom. With quick reflexes, Olivia was up and grabbing her service weapon. With fierce steps, she found Alex sitting up, screaming, her eyes shut tightly.

A nightmare.

She knows these nightmares almost as well as Alex.

Sitting her gun on the side table, she sat beside Alex on the bed. Her arms fit easily around Alex’s body.

“Alex, you’re okay. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

Alex’s eyes opened and Olivia has never seen her so fearful. She clutched Olivia for dear life – as if she were a rock in the ocean, and the only sign of salvation.

“You’re safe.”

Alex breathed Olivia in deeply – the soft scent of powder and lavender, “And so are you.” This nightmare, like many before, ended quite differently than reality – with Olivia dying on the pavement, having tried to save her. That nightmare was that much worse.

Alex pulled away, becoming trapped in Olivia’s dark, concerned eyes. If she didn’t get to kiss Olivia right now, she’d die. She knew she would.

And rather than risking certain death, she leaned in and kissed her.


	9. Chapter 9

There were several clichéd phrases to explain the way Alex’s lips felt and they would all come to mind much, much later when Olivia thought back on the moment. But right now, her mind was clouded with both lust and guilt for the woman in front of her.

“Alex…”

Not to be denied by words, Alex moved in for a second, albeit unsuccessful, attempt to silence Olivia.

“Alex, wait…I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“You won’t.”

“Alex…”

“You won’t.”

Pulling the detective to her, Alex pressed her lips to Olivia’s again. And this time, Olivia responded in full. Alex was helpless underneath Olivia’s lips, as she tilted her body, pulling Olivia with her to the bed. Time stopped, breathing was only an afterthought, and the only thing that mattered were the soft lips moving against her own.

Olivia pulled away, but before Alex could register the fact that she’d been kissed senseless, another kiss was beginning. Unconsciously, Alex deepened the kiss while reaching for Olivia’s hips. With the softest tug, she pulled Olivia to her. Through the thin fabric of their t-shirts, Alex could feel Olivia’s body against her.

But she wanted more. She needed more.

Olivia’s hand rested at her hip, over the cloth of the black cotton panties Alex was wearing. Just her fingertips, Alex noted. She imagined that her tough cop would be gentle and she was. Olivia’s hand roamed up and over, caressing her lower belly gently, the muscles beneath trembled against Olivia’s fingers.

Alex’s hand ran under Olivia’s t-shirt, around her back, grasping the brunette as if she would float away if she let go. She felt so strong above her, but still so soft and feminine. 

“I need to feel you.” Alex groaned, “Skin to skin.”

_I’ve waited so long._ It was a request Olivia could not deny her. 

Olivia lifted herself to her knees and pulled her shirt over her head. Alex watched in awe; Olivia was beautiful and every inch of her begged for Alex’s touch. And she wouldn’t deny her. Sitting up, she practically yanked her own shirt off and softly brushed her lips over Olivia’s stomach before taking a dark nipple between both lips.

Olivia clutched the back of Alex’s head, not that the blonde needed much encouragement to keep up her manipulation. She moaned into the French kiss she was sharing with Olivia’s breast – she loved the taste of her, the feel of her in her mouth. It was like she couldn’t get enough. She raised her eyes. Olivia was looking down at her. When their eyes met, Alex could feel that this wasn’t a one-night stand. Olivia felt the way she did. 

Detaching her lips from Olivia’s breast, she whispered, “I need these off, Liv.” Her fingers softly pried at Olivia’s panties, hooking her fingers into the fabric, “Liv, please. Please take them off for me.”

Olivia lifted her hips, allowing Alex to push them mid-thigh before she wiggled herself out of them. Anything Alex wanted, she could have.

Alex maintained connection with the nipple she’d previously abandoned, while her fingers trailed her stomach, before reaching between soft, open thighs.

Wet, clinging muscles, held Alex’s fingers tightly, yet she managed to thrust steadily into Olivia’s core, fresh arousal meeting her fingertips with every entrance – her thumb pressing so gently against her straining clit. Olivia was panting above her, moving her hips to meet her.

And oddly, her thoughts traveled to that summer she spent in Paris. She was 17 years old and managed to convince her parents to let her gallivant across Europe alone (granted, her aunt lived in Paris and Alex spent most of her time in her home). She remembered seeing the city from her bedroom one night, full of glittering lights, and thinking it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.

And here she was confronted with something that not only rivaled it, but surpassed it – Olivia, over her, coming undone, her head tossed back, calling her name to the heavens. The image would be forever etched in Alex’s brain as the most beautiful thing she’s ever witnessed.

XXX

Alex’s body was tired, but her mind was too alert to sleep. Beside her was the only person in her life that made any difference. To be able to say that she was allowed to touch her was enough for Alex. While she wanted forever, she’d take tonight if that were all she’d be given.

Twilight. Olivia was starting to stir. When she opened her eyes, two shimmering blue ones, only illuminated by the streetlights.

“Hey.” She whispered. The sheet barely covered Alex. Dear God, what an incredible sight – just the dark sheet, sliding off Alex’s body as Olivia watched.

“Hi.” Alex knew she was looking and she loved it. She loved being watched by Olivia – her eyes on her.

Olivia’s fingertips brushed the valley between Alex’s breasts, veering right to circle a straining nipple.

“Liv…we have to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“We have to.” Those fingertips just seemed to be travelling lower and lower.

“Talking is boring.” And somehow, those fingers dipped into Alex and swirled around her clit – exciting Alex. Yes, talking was very, very boring in comparison.

“Promise me we’ll talk later.”

“I promise. Right now,” Olivia pulled Alex on top of her and, just as swiftly, seamlessly entered Alex with two fingers, “I’ve got better things to do.” Alex leaned into kiss her, sharing a moan between their lips.

Talking could wait.


	10. Chapter 10

When muscles were too sore for physical activity, when bodies could no longer take anymore – only then, did it hit Olivia that talking was necessary. Very, very necessary. They’d crossed so many boundaries without a second thought.

“Alex?”

Her head had been resting on Olivia’s chest and she could feel her name being said, just as much as she could hear it.

“Yes?” Alex sat up. The sun was finally starting to creep over the city and it caught Alex’s hair. Olivia thought she practically glowed.

“You wanted to talk.”

“Yeah—“

“So, let’s talk.” 

Alex paused. She knew that this was a delicate topic and she needed to be honest, but careful. She couldn’t bare it if Olivia ran away.

“I – I have had feelings for you, for a really long time.”

“Feelings?” Olivia smiled, knowingly.

“Yes, feelings.” Alex paused again, “I’m afraid if I say more, I’ll scare you.”

Alex’s twirled a lock of Olivia’s hair around her index finger. Last night had been amazing, but, when she was honest, nothing compared to this moment – the morning after. More importantly, it was the morning after and Olivia hadn’t taken off. _It’s her apartment, you idiot. She can’t run away._

“I don’t scare easily, Alex.”

“Not when it comes to your work, but, yes, you do. When it comes to this,” Alex placed a single finger over Olivia’s heart, “you clam up so quickly. And my biggest fear is losing you because I scared you.”

“But we have to talk about this. Openly.”

“I know.” Alex released a sigh and reached for her phone, “Here, read this.”

Olivia sat up against the headboard, taking Alex’s phone. The email was a long, detailed treatise on love – in a style that could only be written by Alexandra Cabot. And it was addressed to her. Instead of answering her, Olivia brought Alex back into her arms, on her lap, and kissed her.

“I suppose that means you feel the same way I do.” Alex smiled.

“You – you are something else, you know that?”

“I need to hear you say it.”

Olivia smiled, inches away from Alex’s lips, “I love you too, Alex.”

“How long?

“For as long as I’ve known you.” Olivia’s fingers played along the ridges of Alex’s spine, “You came into the precinct, all high and mighty. All trust fund and thousand dollar shoes. Completely icy and emotionally closed off and so very professional.” Olivia rolled her eyes, “And I always did like the ones I couldn’t have –“

“And yet, here I am.” Alex softly stroked Olivia’s cheek with an open palm, her thumb caressing a smooth cheekbone.

“Here you are.” Olivia relished in the touch. Despite how fearful she was of being hurt in the end (or worse, hurting Alex), having Alex’s gentle weight on her, her touch bestowed upon her, felt incredible.

“I love you.” Alex whispered and placed the softest kiss on her lips.

“But how? I’m – I’m just me – I’m not –”

“Please tell me you’re not about to start the ‘Olivia-the-Victim’ speech, because I really don’t want to hear it.” Alex pulled back to search sad brown eyes, “I know the life you’ve had. I know the ways in which you are damaged. I see the cracks and holes and the spaces in you that are void. And I want to be what fills those holes; I want to fill in the spaces in between. And make you whole again.” Alex sighed, “Olivia, I’ve never felt this strongly for anyone before.”

“But those years you stayed away – Robert –“

“When I came back, I wasn’t me. I wasn’t Emily or anybody else, but I certainly wasn’t me. I was an emotional wreck and I would have brought you down with me. And the thought of you seeing me like that – I couldn’t let you.”

“It hurt. Knowing you didn’t want to see me.”

“I’m so sorry, Olivia. I wish I’d come to you sooner, I wish I would’ve had the courage to do that. But I didn’t.” 

“Alex….”

“I love you. And I won’t give up. I told myself I wouldn’t leave here until you knew, without a doubt, that I was in love with you.” She kissed her one more time, “I will never get enough of this.”

“Good.” Olivia smiled before flipping Alex over onto her back, surprising the blonde now beneath her, “’cause I have no intention on letting up any time soon.”

_So, Alex Cabot is a giggler._ Olivia noted. How one woman could be both cute and sexy all at once was beyond her, but she’d take it and be glad.

“Please don’t.” Alex smirked as she hooked her long legs around Olivia’s hips. She pulled the detective to her, “Don’t ever stop.”

_Don’t ever stop loving me. Don’t ever stop touching me. Don’t ever leave._

Leaving was the furthest thing on Olivia’s mind as her body slinked down Alex’s until she was placing reverent kisses at the apex of her thighs, until she was so close, she could feel her pulse, smell her arousal, and couldn’t help but taste.

“Oh, Liv. God, your tongue…” _Don’t ever stop._

XXX

It was late afternoon, December 23rd, and Alex had never felt so whole or complete. Having confessed her love and to have that confession be received and returned tenfold was amazing – not to mention it was 4 PM and she hadn’t left this bed since late last night. Alex was still tangled in sheets and Olivia and her world was in this bedroom, on this bed.

“So, what does any of this mean?” Olivia had been staring at the ceiling for an hour, too afraid to move an inch and disturb the atmosphere.

“I’d like it to mean that we’re going to be together.” Alex ran a finger across Olivia’s collarbone, “I’d like for you to give me a chance.”

“Are you my girlfriend now, Alex?”

Alex laughed, “Yes, I guess I am.”

“You guess, or you know?”

Alex made a quick move to straddle Olivia’s waist, “I know.” She lowered herself to Olivia’s lips, “I’m yours for as long as you want me.” 

“What are your plans for Christmas, Alex?”

“Nothing that doesn’t involve you.” Alex placed her head on Olivia’s chest.

“What about your family?”

“I’ll see them, but I’m bringing you with me.”

“I have to be at Elliot’s for dinner.”

“So, we’ll do brunch with my family and dinner with the Stablers. I have no intentions of leaving your sight.”

“Well, okay, then.”

Alex sat back up, “Olivia, when was the last time someone took you out?”

“A while ago. Why?”

“I want you to get dressed in something sexy. Not too revealing, but enough to make me want to undress you. I want you to leave your hair down. Wear that shade of lipstick you always wear – I’ve always loved it on you. I’m taking you out tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I want to show you off.”


	11. Chapter 11

Preparation was always Alex’s friend. Her plans coming back to New York had been to tell Olivia she loved her and then sweep her off her feet. She knew that either of these things could end badly, but it didn’t mean she couldn’t be prepared for it going well. There were several things in her luggage she planned to make use of during these weeks she had with Olivia, but first she pulled out the dark blue dress she packed for this occasion. The dress was strapless, cut just above the knee, with very few distractions from the prize that was underneath. Alex dressed quickly while Olivia took her time in the shower.

Alex was all about appearances – or at least she had been. Today, appearance still mattered a great deal, but it was different. Alex’s appearance when she was younger was all about conveying competence. And she cared what people thought. But today, she only cared that Olivia see her as beautiful – that Olivia was blown away by her in the same way Alex seemed to be blown away every time Olivia entered a room.

She sat on the bed, cross-legged, as Olivia emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel.

“You look exquisite.” She said softly as she took Alex in.

“Thank you, but I have this feeling you’ll look even better.”

“Doubtful.” Olivia smiled, “So, are you just going to sit there and watch me dress?”

Alex nodded, “You have a problem with it?”

“If I did, would there be anything I could do about it?

“Probably not.”

Olivia chuckled and dropped her towel.

A barely audible “fuck” escaped Alex’s lips.

“Are you sure you want to go out tonight?” Alex asked, but Olivia was already walking over to the closet.

“Oh, you are not getting out of taking me out, Cabot. I’ve been waiting ten years for a date with you.” Alex couldn’t seem to stop smiling, but Olivia hadn’t finished, “If you think I’m going to let you off easy, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“So, you _have_ wanted to go out with me for years, huh?”

“Yes, I have.”

Olivia pulled out a black dress that she’d never worn before tonight and emerged from the closet with a matching bra and panties set.

Alex watched her every move, anticipating what it would be like to do all of this in reverse. By the time Olivia was dressed, Alex wasn’t sure she’d be able to stand. But she persevered, knowing that she’d get Olivia all to herself.

In the quiet Italian restaurant, Alex held Olivia’s hand over the table. She ran her thumb gently over Olivia’s knuckles. Olivia never expected this kind of public affection from Alex. Alex was intensely private and Olivia always attributed it to her interest in going into politics, in conjunction with bringing potential shame to her family already involved in politics.

“Why are you smiling?” Alex asked, in a soft but demanding voice.

“I just never expected this kind of thing from you. You were always really reserved.”

“But this is you.” She whispered, “And when it comes to you, all bets are off.” Alex decided her words carefully before continuing; “I told you earlier, that I’ve never felt like this before for anyone. I meant that, but maybe you didn’t understand. You make me want things that I never wanted before. You make me want to be someone better for you so that you can be proud of the woman you love. You drive me crazy and make sane, at all at once. So, this, holding hands in public, leaning across the table to steal a kiss,” And Alex, of course, proceeded to do just that, “is just a part of what you turn me into – a big mush ball.”

Olivia laughed. And when Olivia laughed, Alex knew it was a job well done. She’d do anything to get her to laugh like that all the time.

XXX

Alex had been a perfect date – ordering for her, attentive, charming. They were waiting to find a cab, when Alex turned to Olivia.

“Tonight was officially our first date.” Alex said softly.

“No, it wasn’t. I mean, maybe officially. But not our first date.” Olivia smiled, “All of those lunches, dinners, nights out for drinks – I always romanticized them. Especially after you left for Wit Sec. It was all I had to hold on to. They were dates for me.”

“They were for me too, Olivia.” Alex tugged at the lapels of Olivia coat and pulled her to her as a cab pulled up. She placed a sweet, brief kiss upon her lips before releasing her and opening the cab door for her.

Olivia shifted her legs so her knees would rest against Alex’s as they traveled. Alex’s hand found the space where her coat did not meet and rested on a soft thigh covered by thigh-high tights. Olivia uncrossed her legs, before looking at Alex. Alex’s eyes were lustful and hopeful. The ride home wasn’t a long one, but it was long enough, Alex thought, to bring Olivia off once, if she let her.

Alex leaned into Olivia, long dark hair tickling her nose. She placed a kiss behind Olivia’s ear as her hand traveled the length of her thigh, toward her ultimate goal.

Olivia opened her thighs wider, an invitation. Alex could take what she wanted, when she wanted.

“Are you sure?” Alex whispered, but it didn’t matter. Her fingers were already moving the panties aside; they were already sliding between wet lips and inside of her.

Olivia gasped, but Alex swallowed it by kissing her, “Be quiet.” She whispered against her lips as she continued to fuck her, moving slowly, but diligently. Alex could feel the detective’s pulse jump against her lips. That Olivia could be so close so quickly stunned Alex, but it only made her want her more; it made her want to make her come and come hard.

Alex pulled away to watch Olivia. Her eyes were closed so tight; her bottom lip was held between teeth with enough pressure to draw blood. She was trying so hard not to scream for Alex. _Poor baby._ Alex decided to go easy on her, as her thumb settled on Olivia’s clit.

If the tremble of her thighs, the shortness of her breath, and the fluttering of her eyelids were any indication, Olivia was coming apart. And, of course, Alex had the physical proof pooling into her palm.

As they pulled up to the apartment, Olivia threw money at the driver, inadvertently tipping the driver sixty dollars on twenty-five dollar fare.

“The shit you see in this city.” He mumbled as he drove off.

“Counselor, you have about 2 minutes to be upstairs in my apartment and undressed. I’ve got some making up to do.”

“That’s exactly what I was counting on, Detective.”

XXX

Hours later, Alex was holding Olivia, whom she was sure was sleeping.

“What I said in the restaurant and earlier, I meant.” She whispered, “I want to take care of you.” It didn’t matter to Alex that Olivia couldn’t hear her – perhaps it was better because she couldn’t. For as much as Alex told herself she would be open and honest with Olivia from this point on, she was scared that some declarations would scare Olivia. And she couldn’t bear it if Olivia left her now that she had her, “Anything you want is yours.”

Those were the last words Alex said before she fell asleep and she meant them. There was no secret that Alex came from immense wealth, but few people knew how wealthy she really was – that she could trace her family back to the Mayflower or that the majority of their family wealth had come from the shipping industry and was now tied up in technological advancement investments. She wanted to tell Olivia, and she would one day, that if she didn’t wanted to, she never had to work another day in her life. Neither of them did, if they didn’t want to. It had been Alex’s fantasy for a while now that she and Olivia would retire young and begin a foundation for child victims and broken families. They were both passionate about that and she knew they could pick up where the legal system failed.

Alex felt her eyelids growing heavy. For somebody who struggled with insomnia, Alex always found it easy to sleep with Olivia in her arms.


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia had spent Christmas Eve alone every year until now. She never watched Christmas movies, or ate Christmas-themed cookies, or anything really on Christmas Eve, until tonight. Normally, she’d be spending the day trying to distract herself from her obvious loneliness, from the thoughts of her mother and how she missed who she was, but not who she became. But tonight, she was under a blanket, on the couch, cuddling against Alex, and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

“This is nice.” Olivia whispered.

“Yeah, it is.” Alex turned in Olivia’s arms, “Do you know how many years I wanted this exactly?” Alex leaned forward, kissing Olivia softly, “I’m kind of anxious to open gifts. Can we do it tonight?” 

Olivia smiled at the child-like expression in Alex’s eyes, “Sure.”

“I may have overdone it.”

“How so?”

“You’ll see.”

The pair moved to the floor, in front of the tree. Olivia grabbed the first gift labeled “Alex” and handed it to her.

“You first.”

Alex smiled and ripped the wrapping paper to reveal a leather-bound copy of Black’s Law Dictionary, but as she flipped through the pages, she saw the highlighter marks, the quickly jotted notes, in her handwriting and the handwriting of her father.

“You left it here and told me to take good care of it. I don’t know the story behind it and I hope one day you’ll tell me. But I knew it was kind of beat up. I thought it might be nice if I really took care of it. So, I got it rebound and some of the pages restored. I made sure they didn’t touch the notes or the highlighted stuff.”

_Olivia spent months considering what she would buy Alex. She thought of jewelry, but realized that Alex had a lot of jewelry already, and she couldn’t afford anything worthy of hanging around the blonde’s neck. And then she remembered the dictionary that was sitting on the table by her bed. She remembered how Alex had handed it to her as if she revered the book. It was a little beat up – the cover was starting to fringe around the edges, some of the pages were crumbling. When Olivia flipped it open she saw two names written on the inside of the cover._

_Alexander H. Cabot._

_And directly underneath, Alexandra C. H. Cabot._

_It made Olivia smile that she’d been entrusted with the book that belonged to Alex’s father – a book Alex carried with her no matter where she was._

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you like it?” 

Alex sat the book down. She placed her hands on either side of Olivia’s face and brought her to her for a kiss.

“You have no idea what this means to me. My father gave me this the day before I started law school.” Alex turned to a random page, filled with notes, “He told me that it would be the most important book I had. One day, I want to pass it down to our child.”

“ _Our?_ ”

“I always – ugh – I always wanted to have a family someday. And I thought you –“

“I do, Alex. It’s just a lot to take in.”

“I don’t want to rush you…”

“I know. I know.” Olivia leaned forward and kissed her, “So you like your gift?”

“I love it, you thoughtful, beautiful, incredible woman.” Alex picked up her gift from the floor and handed it to Olivia, “Your turn.”

Olivia unwrapped the box, to find a brand new, Breitling watch.

“Alex….”

“Do you like it?”

“I do…I just – it’s so expensive. You really shouldn’t have.”

“I should.”

“But this had to break the bank.”

 _As good a time as any_ , “You don’t have to worry about that?”

“Everyone knows you come from money, Alex. You don’t have to throw it around for me.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. And I’ve been needing to tell you,” Alex paused, “that, while people know that I come from money, they have no idea just how much money.”

“How much are we talking?”

“A pretty sizeable war chest, Liv.” Alex took the watch from Olivia and placed it on Olivia’s wrist, “If you didn’t want to work anymore, if you wanted to retire, you wouldn’t have to worry about money ever again.”

“Alex, I don’t want you to take care of me. You don’t have to do that.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I really want to. Is it such a bad thing to be taken care of?”

“I’ve never needed anybody.”

“And how has that worked out for you so far, Olivia?” Alex looked down at Olivia’s wrist, smiling at how it looked on her, “Let me take care of you. Please?”

“I’ll try, but I won’t like it.” Olivia gave Alex a grin, “This watch is beautiful, Alex. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you like it. I always did admire your taste in wrist wear.” Alex laughed, “I thought this looked like something you’d wear.”

“You’re the sweetest woman on the planet.”

“No, just sweet on you.” Alex placed a kiss on Olivia’s nose before standing up. She put her hand out, “There’s another gift that needs unwrapping.”

Alex wiggled her eyebrows lasciviously and Olivia laughed at the gorgeous blonde.

“Well, I guess I better unwrap my gift, huh?”

“No, Detective. It’s not your gift that needs unwrapping. It’s mine.”

XXX

Alex’s Uncle Bill lived in a brownstone on the Upper East Side. He’d been living in this same place since he was in his late 20s and, because she was close to her uncle, Alex felt like this place was home – especially on Christmas Day. She’d spent so many Christmases here. Holding Olivia’s hand, she knocked on the door.

“You okay?” Alex asked.

“Nervous.”

“Don’t be. You’ve met my Uncle Bill once…”

“Yeah, but as your co-worker.”

“But he knows how I feel about you. He always knew.”

The heavy door opened slowly. William Harriman was a tall man with hair so gray it was white. Yet, for an 80-year-old man, Bill wasn’t frail in the least bit.

“Uncle Bill! Merry Christmas!” Alex hugged him with one arm, never letting go of Olivia’s hand.

“Alex, I’m so glad you could make it.” He released his favorite niece (and he actually liked her much more than he did his own children), “Olivia, I’m glad you’re here.”

“Thank you for having me, your honor.”

“Now, that’s only for the courtroom. Here, I’m just Bill.”

Alex smiled, feeling her heart swell at the look on Olivia’s face. Her embarrassment, her shyness, was the cutest thing Alex had ever seen. Olivia had nothing at all to worry about, but she worried all the same – and Alex couldn’t seem to find anything more adorable than that.

“Where’s Aunt Josie?”

“In the back, entertaining her sisters.”

Alex dragged Olivia toward the back of the brownstone, where the chatter of women became louder with every step. The group of older women looked like the picture of old money – all pearls and expensive perfume and everything Olivia could never give Alex. Alex gave all four women tight hugs.

“And this is Olivia Benson, my girlfriend.” Alex smiled at Olivia, proud to call Olivia her own and to say in front of family.

“Olivia, it’s nice to put a face to the name we’ve been hearing so often. She’s told us so much about you.”

“I hope it was all good.”

“Definitely good. I’m Bill’s wife Josie and these are my sisters, Christine, Miranda, and Diane.”

“Oh yay!” The woman to Josie’s left, Christine (who just looked like she was bubbling with energy), “We’ll have a new guest at Cabot Wives events.”

Olivia nervously smiled.

“Come on, Aunt Christine. Stop making her blush.” Alex kissed Olivia’s cheek, only exacerbating said blush.

All afternoon, Alex carted Olivia around to meet the 3 dozen guests or so and by the time brunch was served, Olivia was exhausted, but felt proud and like she belonged. And more important, she felt, for once, like there was a real chance for happiness.

During brunch, Olivia and Alex sat side by side, and Olivia sat closest to the head of the table, just beside Josie.

“You know dear,” Josie whispered, softly, “Alex has been pining after you for quite a while now. She doesn’t open herself easily or often to most people.”

“I know. We’re a lot alike that way.”

“I’m not telling you this to threaten you into staying with her. I’m telling you this because I know she’ll find a reason to run away. She’ll find a reason to blame you for it. I just want you to stick with her. Don’t give up on her, Detective.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good dear. Good.”


	13. Chapter 13

Elliot Stabler was many things – complicated, loving, complicated – but he wasn’t particularly patient. And he was especially impatient with the women in his life. When Alex and Olivia knocked on his door, it wasn’t that he was unhappy to see them. Not at all. He was happy to see them, happy to see the smile on their faces. It was nice to see them happy on Christmas night.

“Merry Christmas, El.” Olivia was the first to speak and she reached out and hugged him.

“Merry Christmas, Stabler.” Alex was second and hugged him almost as tight as Olivia had.

“Merry Christmas to you both. Thanks for coming.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Olivia smiled. She wouldn’t miss it for the world.

“Come in, come in. Kath’s in the kitchen.”

As the two of them entered, the Stabler children, none of whom were actually children except Eli, greeted them. Alex was surprised by how much they’d grown and it made her feel old. They’d been kids when she was around.

Olivia reached for Eli who all but leaped into her arms. The young boy had quite the affinity for Olivia. Olivia didn’t like to think about the circumstances of his birth, but she knew that in that moment, they’d bonded. Not quite mother and child, of course, but in a way where Olivia felt responsible for him. 

“Eli! How’s my boy?”

“Good!”

“What did you get for Christmas? Did Santa bring you something awesome?”

“I got a Wii! But Daddy said Santa made him buy the games for it. Isn’t that funny, Aunt Liv?”

“That is funny, baby boy. You want to show me your game after dinner and teach me how to play?”

“Yeah!”

Alex watched as the small blonde boy looked at Olivia, full of admiration. He loved Olivia and Olivia loved him. She knew it was too soon to think about children, but it was one of the things that made her fall for Olivia in the first place. She was only pulled away from her thoughts when Kathy called out that dinner was served.

XXX

After dinner, Elliot motioned for Alex to join him in the kitchen while everyone else headed toward the living room.

“So.”

“So.”

“Alex, with Olivia – Olivia’s just…she’s just….” Elliot stumbled over her words the way he always seemed to do when his emotions were strong.

“You love her.”

Elliot was silent.

Alex was not, “It’s okay. Everyone knows but Olivia, Stabler.” She chuckled. He was so blatant, but Alex had been blatant too. And Olivia was so oblivious.

“It’s hard not to love her.”

Alex smiled, “I know. She’s just –“

Elliot chuckled, “Yeah. Exactly.” He paused, “Olivia mean everything to me. More than a wife, more than a sister, more than a best friend. And I’ll be damned if you hurt her. I swear to God, Alex, as I live and fucking breathe, if you hurt her…”

“If I hurt her, I’d deserve it, Elliot. I know that you and I – we haven’t always gotten along. And for the most part, I only tolerate you because Olivia needs and loves you. I understand your apprehension…”

“Apprehension isn’t the word…”

“Your misgivings about my being in her life, like this. Is that better?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, and I know that I have no right to expect you to think I’m any good for her. But I love her. I do love her – more than anything. More than I think she’s aware. I’m not going to say I won’t ever hurt her, but I can promise you, I will do my best to treat her the way she deserves. I guess, Elliot, I’m asking for your permission to date her.” Alex smiled shyly.

Elliot chuckled, “You don’t have to ask for permission from me – as if Olivia ever listens to me! I know you care for her. Just don’t hurt her. That’s all I ask.”

XXX

Back in Olivia’s apartment, the pair changed into pajamas. Olivia turned on the radio. Christmas music filled the apartment.

_Chestnuts roasting on an open fire  
Jack Frost nipping at your nose  
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir  
And folks dressed up like Eskimos_

“This is my favorite Christmas song.” Alex said softly.

“I know. Dance with me?”

“Only if I can lead.” Alex stood and offered Olivia her hand.

She pulled Olivia into her arms, when hand on her hip, the other pressed against her lower back. Olivia’s arms were wrapped around Alex’s shoulders. For the moment, the blond enjoyed the extra two inches she had on Olivia.

“So, was Santa good to you this year?” Olivia whispered in Alex’s ear. Alex barely suppressed the moan that built in her chest the moment she felt Olivia’s breath against her ear.

“Very.”

“Oh, yeah? What did he bring you?”

“There was this gift. I’ve been asking Santa for this gift year after year. And finally, I got it.”

“And what gift is that?”

Alex pulled her closer and leaned down into her ear, “You.” 

Alex pulled away momentarily, capturing Olivia’s gaze, knowing that she understood.

“I desperately want this to work, Alex. Now that I have you, I don’t know if I’ll be able to take it if we didn’t last. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle you leaving again.”

“I’ll be back home in seven months. I promise you, Olivia, I’m not going anywhere.” Alex followed dark eyes with her own, “How long will you hold those three years against me?”

“Alex –” She could feel Olivia pulling away and only held her tighter. Unfortunately, there had been a long list of people who’d left Olivia – couldn’t handle her job, couldn’t handle how broken she could be – and Alex belonged on that list, though she never intended to leave.

“This is not a judgment or me telling you to forgive me. I just want to know how hard I will have to work to get you to trust me because I will work for as long as it takes.”

“It might be awhile.”

Alex pulled Olivia tighter to her, “As long as it takes. I’m not letting go.”

“Never let go.”


	14. Chapter 14

January 3rd had come too soon.

On the morning of Alex’s flight, Olivia woke early and made breakfast. She figured Alex could use a home cooked meal before her practically full day flight. It felt like she was losing her all over again. She knew that Alex had a job to do, that it wasn’t her that she was leaving, and that when she came back, she’d be running into her arms. But that didn’t stop her heart from breaking just a little bit.

Alex found herself in bed alone, but she could smell the coffee brewing and something else cooking. She stretched her tired limbs. She didn’t want to ever leave this place. She had never been so happy in her entire life and it was all because of a woman she’d known for years, a woman she’d pined after and yearned for for nearly a decade.

“Did my snugglebear make me breakfast?”

“Snugglebear?” Olivia looked up from the stove at Alex.

“Thought I’d test that out.” Alex grinned and made her way over to Olivia, “This smells great.” She wrapped her arms around her tightly; “You don’t have to do all of this for me.”

“I want to. It’s the least I can do.” Alex placed a gentle kiss on Olivia’s cheek.

“You’ve done so much for me already.” Olivia looked at her skeptically, “You picked me up from the airport, let me stay in your apartment –“

“I’m in love with you and have been forever. It figures that I’d let you mooch off me.” Olivia laughed.

“And you do that. You give me butterflies, when you don’t even try. You make me laugh and smile more than anyone else. You love me, like no one has ever loved me.”

Olivia was blushing, holding back tears – not of sadness or joy, but something in between. With her thumbs, Alex wiped her tears away.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“But you have to.”

Alex nodded solemnly, “Six months. Just six months and I’ll be back home and with you.”

“I know. I know.” Olivia kissed Alex’s cheek, “Now, let me get back to breakfast. You’re distracting me.”

XXX

The dreaded moment had arrived as they stood with each other in the airport. Alex’s arms were wrapped tightly around Olivia’s neck. She was holding her for dear life – as if she would never get to do it again, as if Olivia would somehow float into space is she let her go.

“Tell me not to go.” She begged, her voice not sounding like her own. She was needy, she was hurting – she was not the steadfast, unaffected woman she was used to be being.

“Alex, I can’t do that.” Olivia could feel warm tears against her shoulder and clutched Alex tighter. This was harder than she’d imagined, though truthfully, she’d tried not to imagine it much since she arrived.

“Please.”

“If you don’t go, you’ll regret it and you’ll resent me. I’ll wait six months. There’s always Skype, sweetheart.”

But Skype didn’t let Alex touch her and pixelated brown eyes didn’t sparkle like the real thing, “Promise me you’ll be waiting for me.”

“I’ll wait the rest of my life if I have to, Alex. You know that. But if it’s a promise that you need, it’s a promise you’ll get. I promise you, Alex Cabot, that I will be right here waiting for you when you get home and there won’t be one second when I’m not thinking of you or counting down the minutes to the next time I get to hold you.” She kissed her cheek, “I love you so much.”

Alex pulled away, looking into big brown eyes, “I love you too.”

“You should get going.”

Alex nodded. She didn’t want to leave. She never wanted to leave Olivia ever again. And she promised her silently, that in six months, she would never leave her side. No more running.

“I love you, Liv.”

“I love you too. Have a safe trip. Text me during your layover and when you land.”

“I’ll do you one better. As soon as I get home, maybe I could Skype you?”

Olivia nodded, “I’d love that.”

“It might be late.”

“I don’t care.” Olivia kissed her, “Get home safe.”

“Not home, but I’ll be safe.” 

XXX

“Has Alex gotten home yet?” Elliot asked from across their desks.

“It’s a twenty-plus hour trip, El. She won’t be back for a while.” Olivia chuckled.

Elliot debated whether or not to tell Olivia that he and Alex spoke about their relationship. He didn’t like keeping things from her. It was like keeping secrets from his sister. But he realized that conversation was between Alex and himself – a thing between two people who loved the woman sitting across from him. So, instead he smiled.

“I’m happy for you both, you know?” He said.

“Thanks, El. She makes me happy.” Olivia blushed slightly.

“And she turns you into a mush ball, which is quite entertaining. Remind me to send her flowers for that.”

Olivia balled a sheet of paper and tossed it at Elliot, “Hush.”

XXX

Airport lounges always sucked, but for Alex, at least she knew that this meant she was half way back. She couldn’t say home. She’d left home in Manhattan and if she knew anything more today than she did two weeks ago, it was that home was not a place or thing or even a person, but a feeling. The cold air of Manhattan, the sparkling holiday lights, the snow, Olivia’s arms wrapped tightly around her – those feelings – that was home. And the thought that she was leaving it for six months? She was noticeably frustrated by it.

She typed out an email; a quicker means to notify Olivia that she was sitting in Paris, waiting to get back on a plane.

**Liv,**

**Sitting in a Parisian airport, thinking about you. I miss you in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I’ll email you when I finally land in the DRC. Perhaps, you’ll be up to Skype?**

**I love you,  
Alex.**

Ten minutes later, Alex’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She didn’t expect to get an email back, really, because she knew how busy Olivia was. But that alone let her know that Olivia was thinking of her too.

_**Alex,** _

_**And I’m sitting in the precinct, unable to concentrate on anything but you. I miss you now more than ever. Let’s Skype when you get home – no matter what time it is, I need to see your face before I can sleep tonight.** _

_**I love you so much, sweetheart,  
Olivia** _

And though a thousand miles away, home felt within reach.


	15. Chapter 15

It wasn’t a bad day, work wise. It was a rare day when no new cases walked through the precinct doors. But the paperwork dragged on and Olivia still couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything that wasn’t Alex Cabot. She took the long way home – leaving the squad car with Elliot and walking home instead. Nothing about the city seemed the same with Alex gone. The sun was setting and the sky was purple, but it wasn’t the same shade as it was the last time she was with Alex. The wind seemed harsher.

Whenever Olivia got home, her first steps were to take off her badge and gun. But as she started to do so, Alex’s familiar scent greeted her – the scent of her strawberry shampoo, her perfume. The woman’s scent still lingered in her home and she breathed deep, knowing it might be the last bit of Alex she’d get for seven months.

XXX

When Alex finally got home, she sent an email to Olivia to make sure she was awake.

**Liv,  
Just got back to my place. Skype in twenty?  
Alex**

Almost immediately, Olivia answered her.

****_Hey,  
See you in twenty minutes then :)  
Liv_

Alex smiled. She quickly grabbed her laptop from one of her bags, abandoning the rest of her luggage at the door, and went into her bedroom. She sat back against the headboard and turned on the laptop. She rested it precariously on her raised knees and waited for Olivia to come to her screen. Nothing could be as important right now as seeing her Olivia – not unpacking, not a much-needed shower, not sleep.

“Hey, sight for sore eyes.” Olivia said with a soft smile.

“Hi, honeybun.” 

“Alex, stop with these insane pet names.”

“I’m just trying them out!”

“A simple ‘sweetheart’ or ‘baby’ works just fine.”

“Fine.” Alex laughed, “I miss you already.”

“I missed you the moment I left you in the airport.” Olivia sighed, “This city is so big, millions of people, and it feels so empty without you.”

Alex couldn’t hold back her tears. She didn’t really want to anyway – Olivia had always made her feel very secure.

“Anyway, I know you’re probably jet-lagged. You should get to sleep.”

“Before I go,” Alex said, so softly that the microphone barely picked it up, “please tell me that everything that’s happened over the past few weeks wasn’t a dream; that it was some elaborate think I thought up.”

Olivia grinned, “It wasn’t a dream. I promise you. I love you, I’m with you.”

“But you’re not really with me –“

“Alex, I carry you right here.” Olivia placed her hand over her heart, “You are always with me and I am always with you.”

Alex smiled, another tear sliding down a pale cheek, “That was ridiculously cheesy.”

“That’s what I bring to this sweetie. I bring the cheese. You bring the intellect. And the good looks.”

“Oh, please. Have you seen yourself? Gorgeous.” Alex sighed softly, “I’ll be counting down the days.”

“Same here. Get some sleep, sweetheart. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Olivia. I love you.” Alex kissed her index and middle fingers and pressed them on her computer screen. Olivia did the same.

“I love you too, baby. Goodnight.”

XXX

Alex managed to snag a new shirt from Olivia – a Siena College shirt in gray. After a shower, she put that shirt on, smelling Olivia on it. She knew that was as much comfort as she would get tonight.

Alex’s bed did not feel like it had weeks ago. Weeks ago, she hadn’t known the comfort of Olivia’s arms and bed. Weeks ago, this bed was fine if not wonderful. But it was now cold and she noticed every lump in the mattress. She clutched her pillow against her chest, longing for this pillow to magically transform into her girlfriend. Everything was different now – now that they were together. Emails and Skype sessions and instant messaging would never compare now. How could she manage staying away for seven months?

XXX

The next couple days were hell for both women. Alex was now the lead prosecutorial assistant on an intensely difficult case, involving the kidnapping and torture of two teenage girls. While these cases were always painful, this one seemed a bit more torturous than the others. Perhaps, being back in New York and back with the squad and Olivia, the strain of prosecuting alone seemed more apparent. Back in New York, she could count on the squad and on Olivia. Here, while she liked her co-workers, she really had no one.

For Olivia, her most recent case, an attack on a lesbian and her live-in partner, had frightened her. It hit close to home. It made her think of Alex. It made her wonder what would happen if she or Alex had been hurt. What would she do if she’d lost Alex – again and for real – especially now that she had her like this?

“Hey, I’m glad you could Skype tonight.” Olivia grinned slightly.

“Me too. It’s been a rough few days for me. I needed to see your face and hear your voice.” Alex settled into her couch, folding her legs underneath herself. She was clutching a steaming cup of mint tea, which seemed to be the only thing these days to help her get any sleep.

“Is everything okay?”

“For the most part, but,” she paused, “I’m dealing with this case, I told you about it a little while ago?”

“I remember.”

“It’s not the case as much as it is the fact that I have nobody here. I don’t have the same kind of security net as I had when I lived there. There is no one to tell me I’m on the right track or anyone to tell me I’m doing the absolute wrong thing. No one to cry to or to hug. I don’t have the unit. I don’t have you.”

“Oh, Alex.”

“I know, I know. I should really suck it up—“

“No, no. Stop.” Olivia leaned in a little, “It’s okay for you to have insecurities and doubts, Alex. But I’m still here. I might not be physically there, but I’m here.”

“I know.”

“And you’re the best prosecutor I know. I know you’re going to, once again, impress your bosses, remind them why they wanted you in the first place, and mourn the fact that you’re only there temporarily because you’re needed in New York.”

Alex smiled at the ending, “You always know what to say.” She sipped her tea, “How are you, baby?”

“I’m okay. This case is taking a lot out of me, but now that I’m talking to you, I feel much better. I just miss you.”

“I miss you too.”


	16. Chapter 16

It had been days since she’d seen Olivia’s face. Once again. It felt like a lifetime. If she hadn’t already known how important Olivia was to her, this would have done it. Over the days she didn’t get to see Olivia, she felt like she was missing something. She felt like she was missing a part of her soul. And now that she saw her in real time, her heart felt just a little more complete, even if she wasn’t seeing her in person.

But the sight she was offered was not the one she expected. Olivia was in a dress – a little, black, figure hugging dress to be more specific. She could tell that the laptop was sitting on Olivia’s dresser, directly across from her bed. Alex was a smart woman, of course, and she knew where she wanted tonight to end. She needed to feel close to her, even though they were so far apart.

“Fucking wow.” Alex’s eyes were lustful, the way she licked her lips was lascivious. She couldn’t help it. Olivia was the kind of woman she dreamed about.

“Stop.” The twinkle in Olivia’s eyes, however, told Alex to continue.

“What’s with the dress?”

“It’s a long story.”

“You mean to tell me, Stabler got to see you in that dress?” She joked.

“Are you serious?”

“I’m a little serious, yes. And a little jealous.”

“Alex…”

The blonde smiled, “You’re just so beautiful. I’m still surprised that I get to call you mine.”

She knew she’d reached her goal, seeing Olivia blush.

“I need to change. You want to give me a second?”

“No, I want to see you in this dress a little longer.” Alex leaned toward the screen, “In fact, I’d like to see it come off.” Alex licked her lips, biting down on her bottom lip.

“Are you serious?” Olivia asked again, looking around her bedroom as if someone could see her.

“Very.” Alex sat back in her chair.

Olivia smirked, slowly turning her back to the screen. Steady fingers betrayed her nerves as she unzipped her dress. Alex watched as every tooth separated from each other until just a bit of olive skin was exposed – a sliver of skin from the point between her shoulder blades to small of her back. Olivia was admittedly a bit shy when it came to her own body, so she wasn’t surprised that this put her out of her element. But this was Alex and she’d do almost anything she would ask. She took a chance to look over her shoulder to see Alex’s eyes on her with an intense stare that she couldn’t describe, but somehow she knew what it meant.

The way Olivia looked over her shoulder nearly stopped Alex’s heart in its tracks. She was so sexy, so fucking sexy, and Alex could feel herself becoming more and more aroused by the second. She’d obviously wanted this when she’d all but asked for it, but now that she was seeing Olivia – watching as one strap of her dress slipped from her shoulder before the other – she could barely contain herself. The dress had descended to her waist, “My God, Liv. You are exquisite. I wish I were home…”

Olivia’s shyness, though still apparent, had decreased significantly as she turned to face Alex, now only dressed from the waist down in that dress, her top half only clad in a black lace bra, “I wish you were here too.” She pushed the dress just slightly from her hips and it fell to the floor, “Well, counselor, like what you see?”

Alex was unaware that her mouth could run dry and water seemingly at the same time. She wasn’t sure she could handle much more of this. Alex nodded dumbly before finding her voice, “Yes. Yes, I do.” Alex licked her lips, “Olivia, I want to make sure you know what I’m about to ask you to do.”

Olivia nodded slowly. She knew where this might lead, though she hadn’t been expecting it when they started this conversation. She could see the look in Alex’s eyes upon seeing her in the dress, the look that intensified as she undressed for Alex’s viewing pleasure.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Alex asked. She had to be sure. Despite the fact that Alex’s body was already at the point of no return, she had to be sure. Olivia nodded again, “I have to hear you say it, Liv.”

“Yes, Alex, I’m sure.”

Alex smiled, almost wolfishly before continuing, “Sit on the bed for me.” Olivia did as told, “Have you been thinking about me, love?”

“You know I have.” Olivia smiled.

“Have you missed me?” As much as she wanted to hear Olivia tell her that she missed her in a sexual way, she also felt the need to be needed – to be missed in the same way that she missed Olivia.

“I miss you more than anything.”

Alex smiled, happy to hear her physical presence had been missed, “I miss you too. I miss my best friend, my everything,” Alex decided, in an instant, that it was time to get back to what she’d intended to do in the first place, “I miss the scent of your hair, your skin, the way you taste, that sound you make just before you come for me.”

Olivia visibly trembled, a soft moan making its way from the back of her throat to the front and out her lips.

“I’d like to hear you make that sound for me tonight.”

Olivia groaned, unable to focus completely on the screen anymore. Alex’s voice had taken on that quality it had in the courtroom – commanding, cold, yet completely passionate. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought of this. Any time they managed to get on Skype, it passed through Olivia’s mind that it would be so easy to do this – the months apart would be fucking hell and this was all they could get. But she never had the courage to initiate anything. But she could always count on Alex to speak her mind, to be assertive.

“Lay back on the bed.” Alex spoke again.

“I might not be able to see you as well.”

“You don’t need to.”

And in four words, Olivia knew that what was about to happen was very much for Alex’s benefit. She pushed back on her heels and hands to move back against the headboard.

Watching Olivia lay back for her reminded her that Olivia was completely under her command and that was a rush that could only rival the rush she got prosecuting. She licked her lips, her palms itching with desire to reach through the screen and touch Olivia herself.

“You are so fucking beautiful, baby.” Alex said softly, “You have no idea how many nights I dreamed of looking at you like this. Reach behind yourself and unclasp your bra. I want it off.”

Olivia’s fumbling fingers were at least nimble enough to do the minor task. She tossed the garment to the floor. The cool air of her bedroom, or perhaps (and probably most likely) Alex’s eyes on her, made her nipples stand on edge, hard to the point of pain.

“I know how much you love when I play with your breasts. You’re always so sensitive. Touch them for me. I want to see you.”

Alex watched Olivia reach for her breasts, her mouth watering. Yes, she’d started this. Yes, she’d done this to herself. But she’d gotten herself in too deep. She could feel her own body pulsating with every whimper, every moan that Olivia let escape. Unconsciously, her own hand slipped underneath her yoga pants, finding herself hot, wet, and certainly ready.

“Alex…”

“I wish I was there with you. Watching you right now is driving me crazy. But since I’m not there with you physically, I want your hand to be me for now. So, take me where you want to go.”

Olivia’s eyes remained focused on Alex’s. While she couldn’t see her entirely clearly, she was able to see the quickness of her breath. She could tell she was turned on. And she could see where Alex’s hand was. Keeping one hand on her breast, Olivia’s other hand traveled between her spread thighs and under her panties.

Alex’s heart was beating so hard, she was sure it was visible. Watching Olivia seemed to have that effect on her, not to mention the soft strokes she applied to herself whilst watching the woman she loved pleasure herself. Olivia’s trembling thighs, her soft moans, her name falling from her lips as she came was Alex’s undoing as her fingers became rapid and her orgasm ripped through her.

“Oh. My. God.” Olivia’s voice was horse as she quickly sucked her own fingers dry, “Alex, you are—that was—God…”

“Yeah.”

Olivia got up from the bed, walked toward the laptop, “Baby, I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. You should get some rest.”

“I should.”

“I love you, Liv. I’ll talk to you soon?”

“Of course. I love you too.”

And with that, their conversation came to a close, and Olivia was left to wonder if Alex had planned this all along.


	17. Chapter 17

It was just a week before Valentine’s Day and while Olivia would not be spending it alone this year, she was alone all the same. Her girlfriend was thousands of miles away, but at least, at least, she had a girlfriend this time around.

“I swear to you, Liv, I’ll make up this Valentine’s Day to you.” Alex, sitting cross-legged on her bed, dressed in an oversized Siena t-shirt – just another thing she’d taken from Olivia.

“Don’t even think bout that, Alex. You’re doing good work over there and I’m just happy that for the first time in a long time, I’m not single on Valentine’s Day.” Olivia herself was lying across her bed in boxers and a tank top.

“You can say that if you want, but you deserve a lovely Valentine’ Day. Flowers, candy, dinner date, real sex.” Alex laughed, “You deserve to be treated like a queen. I think you’ve kissed enough frogs, don’t you?”

Alex couldn’t say that she knew Olivia’s entire dating history, but she knew enough of it to know that not one person Olivia had ever been with had gone out of their way to make Olivia feel special. And for that reason alone, Alex wanted to be that person – the only person to show Olivia just how special she really was.

“Ain’t that the truth?” Olivia paused, “How’s work?”

“It’s work, but it’s good work. And I’m working with the most amazing women, Olivia. You’d love them. They are in the rape capital of the world and they have the courage to stand up and speak. It’s amazing. Only thing that’s missing is you.” Alex grinned.

“Alex…” Olivia could feel herself blushing.

“I know. I miss you, though. And you be damned good here.” Alex smiled, “How’s work?”

“Pretty brutal. Sonya…”

“Sonya’s back?”

“Yeah, she’s doing well too. Sober. She’s looking good.”

“That’s great. I was really worried about her for a while. What’s the case you’re working?”

“You know Alicia Harding?”

“From ‘Neighborhood Predator?’ Yeah, I know who she is.”

“We’re working the cold case – her sister’s abduction. We think the guy is stalking Alicia now.”

“Any leads?”

“A few.”

“You’ll let me know if you need anything, won’t you?”

“Alex, you’re all the way in Kinshasa.”

“But my contacts are far reaching.” Alex grinned.

“I’ll let you know.” Olivia let out a long, unexpected yawn.

“Go to sleep, love. You need the rest.”

Olivia smiled. Alex was right, “Okay. I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too. Sleep tight.”

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite. ‘Night, Alex.”

“Goodnight.”

XXX

 

Her blood was on her hands. Her friend was dead. Sonya Paxton was dead. She went down fighting, but she was dead. Every person she touched was hurt. Every person in her life had been hurt, many times by her own perceived carelessness. Casey was beaten after she left for coffee. Melinda was shot right in front of her. Lauren shot herself in front of her and Olivia always felt like she could’ve stopped her. She should have stopped her. She’d seen Elliot hurt on so many occasions when she should have been the one protecting him. She was the cause of her mother’s on going pain and suffering until her death. And of course Alex. She would blame herself every day for the rest of her life for Alex. 

And now Sonya. Sonya was now a part of this hideous statistic: people whose lives have been adversely affected by Olivia Benson.

She didn’t go home until Sonya’s body had been carted off, and even then she didn’t leave until the crime scene techs had left. Elliot offered her a ride home, but she didn’t take it. She walked home instead; still covered in Sonya’s blood, thinking the entire time that Sonya’s death was much like Alex’s attempted murder. Olivia was moments too late, a step behind. Always a step behind.

She stared at the shower floor, watching as the blood went down the drain. She’d been in the shower for what felt like forever; the water had run cold. She could hear her phone in the distance – the sound of a phone call from Elliot and the sound of two emails, probably from Alex.

Dressed in sweats and one of the shirts that Alex left, a Harvard t-shirt that barely fit, but Alex loved to her in, Olivia curled on the couch with her laptop. She could avoid Elliot, but she could not avoid Alex. She promised.

****_Liv,  
My uncle contacted me and said something had happened to Sonya, but he won’t tell me what. What’s happening? Is Sonya okay? Are you okay?  
Alex_

****_Liv,  
Baby, please contact me soon.   
Alex_

Olivia knew that every single possibility had already gone through Alex’s mind, even though she wouldn’t out right say so. She didn’t want to seem needy. She never liked seeming needy, even when she was.

**Alex,  
I’m okay. Can we please Skype? I need to see you.  
Liv**

Moments later, Alex’s face was on her screen.

“Olivia, what happened? Are you okay?” Relieved to see her love in one piece, but still relatively spooked, Alex leaned very close to her screen as if to inspect every inch of Olivia.

“I’m okay.”

“And Sonya? No one will tell me anything.”

Olivia paused, trying to breathe, “She’s dead.”

“What happened? How?”

“Our perp, the one stalking Alicia, Sonya pissed him off. He caught her at an AA meeting – can you believe that? – and attacked her in the bathroom. She didn’t stand a chance, Alex.” Olivia paused and Alex didn’t try to fill the silence. She’d known Olivia long enough to know Olivia needed the space to speak, “How many people I care about have to be hurt?”

“Olivia, you know you couldn’t have done anything.”

“What if I were a second sooner?”

“Olivia, you couldn’t have known.”

“Melinda, Sonya, Lauren, Casey, Elliot. You.”

Alex knew that’s where this conversation would go. She knew that Olivia held a lot onto a lot of guilt. Certainly for things she had every right to feel guilty over, but more often than not, she felt guilty for situations she couldn’t have changed. Alex sympathized – she knew that feeling all too well.

“No, Olivia. You couldn’t have changed any of that.”

“If I had been quicker—“

“If you’d been quicker, you’d have been shot and killed. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew you’d be hurt or killed because of me.” Alex could see the deep breaths Olivia was taking, knowing it was a sign that she was trying not to cry, “I would happily take 100 bullets, knowing that I managed to keep you safe. That’s really why I agreed to WitSec, you know? I knew they wouldn’t stop until they killed me and they would’ve killed everyone I loved if they couldn’t get me. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t let that happen.” Alex wished she could touch her, hold her, anything, “So please, don’t blame yourself for me and don’t blame yourself for anyone else. Our work, this profession – we can’t always predict what will happen. You know that, don’t you?”

“I know, but—“

“It doesn’t make it hurt less, I know. But you can’t blame yourself for other people’s actions. You’ll drive yourself crazy.”

“The last thing she said was ‘I got him. It’s okay, I got him.’ She bit him and Melinda found a hair in her throat. I’m waiting for a call from her now.”

“Fighting to the end.”

“Yeah.” In the distance, Alex could hear Olivia’s phone ringing, “Hold on, Alex. I’ll be right back.”

Hearing the one-sided conversation, she knew Olivia would be leaving soon.

“Hey, Alex, that was Melinda. I have to get to the lab.”

“Okay. We’ll talk soon then. Be safe, okay?”

Olivia couldn’t say that she was always safe, because she knew she wasn’t, but she had been more cautious since being with Alex, “I will. Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight. Olivia, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

XXX

Alex’s computer screen had gone black from inactivity minutes ago, but she sat there staring at the screen anyway. She knew she’d have to request leave for the funeral. She and Sonya may not have been terribly close, but she was a colleague and somewhat of an acquaintance. 

Olivia needed her, not just to be there for the funeral, but to be there more generally. She’d seen the look in her eyes – the guilt, the despondence, and the sadness all rolled into one. She shouldn’t be alone. She still had work to do in Kinshasa, however. And after hours of debate, Alex brought her computer back to life. She penned a letter asking for transfer – to work at the UN in New York. She could do some of the same work from there.

As much as she loved Kinshasa and the work she was doing, how many times, she questioned, had her career come before Olivia? Too many times to count. If there was ever a time to change that, it was right now.


	18. Chapter 18

The day before Alex’s finally arrived back home in New York was filled with tying loose ends. Her bosses and colleagues were sorry to see her go and though she’d never disclosed her reason for leaving, they knew it had to be something big for the most dedicated lawyer they knew to leave.

There was a soft knock on Alex’s door around midday, “Come in.”

“Miss Cabot?” The voice was so familiar. Alex would never forget that voice or the face that appeared at the door.

“Nardalee? Hi!” Alex stood from her desk, “Please, come in.”

Nardalee had been the inspiration that Alex to the Congo in the first place. While Nardalee had also returned to the Congo and worked with one of the most prominent women’s organizations, SFVS, Alex hadn’t had much time to see her. It was one of her biggest regrets.

“I hear your leaving us.” Nardalee took a seat on the couch in Alex’s office and Alex followed suit.

“I am. I’m needed at home.”

Nardalee nodded with a smile, “I could’ve guessed that, but you will be missed here.”

“You ever think of coming back to New York?” Alex could imagine Nardalee working for a victim’s rights organization, perhaps bringing women from her home country to safer nations, though both she and Alex both realized that no nation was safe.

“Like you, I’m needed at home.”

It was Alex’s turn to smile and nod. She understood.

They sat and talked for over an hour – about everything and nothing, about their passions and hopes for the future for both the DRC and the United States and the world at large. They were so much alike and yet very different. That somehow gave Alex hope that the things they’d discussed could come true.

As Nardalee stood to leave, she turned back to Alex, “Does this have anything to do with Detective,” And Nardalee paused to try to remember the brunette with kind eyes, “Benson?”

“Well, yes. In part. Why do you ask?”

“I just wondered when you two would come to your senses.”

Alex blushed, giggling in a manner uncharacteristic of herself, “Were we that obvious?”

“Only when you thought no one was looking.” With a knowing smile, she said her goodbye and Alex was left to wonder who else had been able to read them.

XXX

Alex’s arrival at JFK was exactly what Olivia needed. Since Sonya’s death, she hadn’t slept much. She’d barely eaten. Alex didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around Olivia when Olivia approached her in the airport. Too long since the last hug; too long since real contact.

“I missed you.” She moaned into soft blonde hair that smelled of lavender and vanilla.

“Bet I missed you more.” Alex smirked as she leaned forward for a kiss.

Olivia missed that mouth. She missed those hands, those eyes, and that voice. She was ready and willing to be kissed.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

“You think I’d let you go through this alone?” Nothing would have kept Alex away from Olivia during this and she realized quickly that it had been this way all along. No matter how many things – people, events – got in the way, Alex was always going to come back. She would always come back.

“Still. Thank you.” Olivia smiled, taking the heaviest of Alex’s bags, “Let’s get you home. You should rest.”

Alex sat quietly in the squad car with Olivia beside her, “Should I start up the sirens?” Olivia joked.

And Alex just smiled, softly saying, “No, take the scenic route, detective.” She leaned across the center console, linking her hand with Olivia’s free one. Being next to Olivia, in the city, in the squad car – all those things meant home to Alex.

XXX

Showered and dressed in Olivia’s clothes, Alex slipped under the blanket and Olivia followed.

“So how long are you here?”

“I forgot I hadn’t told you.” Alex turned to face Olivia, “I’m staying.”

Olivia’s eyes twinkled and Alex couldn’t suppress the grin she was now sporting, “For good?”

“For good. I’m going to be working for the UN here in New York to finish out my tenure and then, I guess we’ll see what happens next.”

“Oh, Alex…” Olivia’s eyes got that watery look that Alex simultaneously loved and hated.

“Are you happy? I hope those are happy tears.”

Olivia nodded, wordlessly affirming Alex’s question. She leaned in and kissed Alex’s lips sweetly, “I’m so happy.”

Alex intended to lean in for another kiss, a deeper, more passionate kiss, but yawned and realized that sleep was the priority. She found herself being pulled into a hug, her body being surrounded by blankets and Olivia and she had never felt so safe in her entire life.

“I love you, Olivia. I need to be here. I need to be home.”

XXX

On a bright, sunny, but cold February morning, the city’s law enforcement and legal big shots gathered to mourn the loss of Sonya Paxton. Alex and Olivia, both dressed in black dresses and black pea coats, sat close to the front of the church. They were flanked by the16th precinct and on the opposite side of the aisle sat Sonya’s family. Olivia had no idea that Sonya was even close to anyone – she’d been so closed off, so emotionally detached from the squad, that Olivia never really got a chance to get to know her. But what she did know was that Sonya Paxton was very much like Serena Benson. And in the same way as she felt pity for her mother, she felt pity for Sonya.

In the late afternoon hours, after being with their colleagues for most of the day, after the heels and dresses had been shed in favor of bare skin, before Olivia could touch or taste any bit of Alex’s skin, Alex had a request.

“Olivia, tell me, what was it like? What was my funeral like?”

Olivia pulled back, the sadness ever present in her eyes, “It was short, but there were so many people there, Alex.” Olivia sat up, completely this time, “You could tell you were loved. Your mother spoke, Liz spoke. I even managed to speak.”

Alex smiled, “Yeah?”

Olivia nodded, “Yeah.”

“Will you tell me what you said?”

“I said, ‘Alex Cabot was more than a prosecutor, she was more than a legal brain that could also manage to get through to a squad that resented her from the beginning. Alex Cabot was a good person, a woman of morals and, sometimes, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and she was important to every single last one of us.’”

Alex tangled her fingers in Olivia’s thick hair and pulled her down to meet her lips. She kissed her hard, like she was never going to be able to kiss her again. A kiss that told Olivia that Alex was there to stay.


	19. Chapter 19

Their kisses had not been timid since the first one and these kisses were no exception. While last night they’d been exhausted (though truthfully, it had been Alex who was exhausted), tonight the kisses were hungry, greedy, with both of them attempting to dominate. Olivia allowed Alex to take over eventually, finding herself trapped between Alex and the bed. There was no better place to be than right here.

Alex’s lips were all over Olivia’s neck and chest, her collarbone and ears. She wanted to retrace the last steps she had on Olivia’s body. In her mind, she’d traced over these curves long before they’d actually made love and in the months since she’s been in her presence. And now she was finally here, with her lips leaving tracks on the detective’s body.

Making it to the apex of Olivia’s thighs, she glanced up at Olivia. Her eyes were darkened with lust. Alex loved being the reason behind that look. “I love you so much.” She whispered softly before lowering her head, allowing her tongue to finally touch her lover. She moaned softly, the taste and scent filling her senses with the thing she missed most. She felt Olivia’s fingers in her hair, guiding her closer, keeping her there as if she was going to leave.

“Alex…” Her name seemed like the only word she knew.

XXX

“If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?” Alex asked, Olivia’s head resting on her chest. Her fingers ran through Olivia’s hair, hoping she’d remember to tell her how happy she was that she’d grown it out.

“You mean besides right here?” Olivia whispered. There was truly no place in the world she’d rather be.

“Yes, I mean besides here. If you had no monetary restrictions, time off work, and nowhere else to be, where would you be right now?”

“Hmm.” Olivia paused, “Paris. I’ve always wanted to see it.”

“Do you want to go?”

At that Olivia sat up, “What?”

“Do you want to go? Elliot told me you had some time off.” Alex imagined that Cragen had forced that time off on her following her finding Sonya, but she also realized that Olivia really needed a break. A real one, “We can pack a bag and go.”

“Alex, you don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I want to. Remember when I told you I wanted to take care of you? This qualifies.”

“You really meant that, huh?”

“Of course I did. Of course. You deserve a real break and I know the only way you’re going to take one is if someone forces you. And if I have to, I will.”

It made Alex dizzy to think of how desperate she was to take care of Olivia. When she was honest, her desire to do right by here had started at the beginning of their friendship. She could tell that the detective hadn’t grown up the way she had; she hadn’t been raised in a house with reassuring and affirming parents, or privilege of any sort. 

Olivia laughed, “I bet you will.” Olivia sat up, hovering over Alex and marveling in the way the sunset played across Alex’s face, “You’re beautiful.”

Alex ran her hand gently against Olivia’s cheek, “So are you.”

She could feel Olivia’s hand on softly, slowly moving from her hip to her outer thigh. On instinct, her thighs parted – an invitation, a request. Olivia’s lips found the skin just above her clavicle. She bit down as two fingers slipped inside her, causing Alex to cry out. There would be a mark there, but Alex wanted that. She’d wear it like a badge of honor.

XXX

The twinkle of the city lights illuminated the apartment building and Alex and Olivia hadn’t left bed once.

“When did you know?” Alex asked softly, her fingers tracing miscellaneous shapes along her shoulder blades, “When did you know you loved me?” It wasn’t that Alex doubted Olivia’s love – Olivia practically radiated love when she looked at her. But she wanted to know when. She wanted to know that she wasn’t alone with those brooding feelings.

“Do you remember that case with the little kid who shot his classmate by mistake?”

“How can I forget?”

“Do you remember that we were called away when we were going out for drinks? How I took you out to make it up to you?” Alex just grinned and nodded. That night had been quite honestly been one of the best nights of her life. Just her and Olivia alone and all the detective’s attention was on her, “Right then. I knew I loved you right then.”

_The tapas bar wasn’t suspiciously empty for a Friday night in Manhattan. Olivia couldn’t believe her luck tonight. She didn’t have to yell over loud diners, Alex was sitting incredibly close in the half-circle booth, and, first of all, Alex had agreed to even come to dinner with her. When she was honest, Alex had her attention on day one and now, months later, Olivia’s feelings for her had grown into something she hadn’t expected. She admired her intelligence, her strength, and her confidence._

_“Thanks for asking me to dinner. I feel like I’ve been isolated in my office for days.”_

_“It’s no problem. I hated that we couldn’t buy you a drink the other day. You certainly deserved it. Besides, it’s nice to get away from the boys every now and then.”_

_Alex smiled and there was a twinkle in her eyes. And Olivia knew right then that she’d do anything to get her to look at her like that again._

_“But you seem to fit in so well with them. Wait, that sounded really bad. I mean, you seem to get along with them well.”_

_“I do. But still, they’re pigs on their best days.”_

_Alex’s smile became a full on grin. Olivia had never seen her smile like that. She’d seen the smug, tight-lipped smile – the one of satisfaction in a job well done. Olivia had seen that one a million times, in real life and in her dreams. But this was something entirely different._

_She wanted to see this smile the next morning, the morning after that, every morning for the rest of her life._

_She had fallen in love with Alexandra Cabot and there was no looking back._

“That night, I went home and all I could think of was you.” Olivia blushed, ever so slightly, “I couldn’t think of anything else and I couldn’t figure out how you got into my heart so quickly. How did I allow that to happen?”

“I’m sneaky.” Alex placed a kiss on Olivia’s nose, snuggling deeper into the blanket and into her, “How long do you have off?”

“Two weeks starting tomorrow.”

“So, let’s fly out—“

“I’ll let you take me on vacation, but can we stay, I don’t know, stateside? I just feel like kept woman—“

“You are a kept woman.”

“Am not.”

“Fine. I’ve got just the place.”

Alex’s family had been originally from Massachusetts; it was only right that much of the family’s property was still there. She had immediate access to, it was within driving distance, but most importantly, it was out of the city.

And the need to get out of the city had never been greater.


	20. Chapter 20

“It’s so cold.”

Olivia groaned and Alex turned up the heat in the rented BMW, in addition to rolling her eyes. They’d been driving for close to five hours and were just now approaching the Cabot residence in Barnstable. The hours had been passed with horrifying karaoke to 1980s classics and sharing only the most pleasant stories about the time they spent apart.

But now they were approaching their destination and despite her worries – that Olivia would see the almost grandiose nature under which grew up and be completely turned off by it – she was excited to show Olivia a place that she had called home long before New York, her birthplace, felt anywhere close to home – the place she spent her summers, where she learned to debate by taking on her older cousins and even her own grandfather when she was feeling particularly cocky, and the place she’d actually daydreamed about bringing Olivia one day.

“Well, you could be in Paris right now, but you decided you didn’t want to be a kept woman, even though that’s exactly what you are.”

“I don’t know much about geography, but I’m pretty sure it’s winter in Paris too. You could’ve offered to take me somewhere tropic.”

“Ew, humidity.” Alex chuckled, as she made a right – she was on their street and she felt the overwhelming fog of nostalgia mixed the haze of daydreaming – daydreams of future Cabots, who’d be Benson-Cabots. A few feet from the corner and a turn in the driveway and they were there.

The large estate on Nantucket Sound was impressive, even by billionaire standards. Ten bedrooms, nine bathrooms, and right on the beach, it was a beautiful example of what it meant to be one of America’s elite families. The Cabots owned this property since the ‘20s and it was passed down from generation to generation, but shared equally amongst the family. For this reason, Alex made sure to call her family before, to make sure the estate wasn’t in use.

“Damn, Alex.”

Alex gave a nervous chuckle while putting the car in park. She stepped out, noticing there was no snow – just frost. Secretly, she had already wished for snow, begging to be snowed in for a while, just to keep Olivia away from work a little longer.

“Well, this is it. Let’s take our things inside and I’ll give you a tour of the inside of the house—“

“This is not a house, Alex.” If this was Alex’s idea of a house, Olivia wasn’t sure what Alex was doing with her. She could never offer her this kind of lifestyle.

“Riiiight. And the grounds maybe later in the afternoon?”

XXX

The house was decorated simply, but elegantly and Olivia thought that was perfectly fitting for someone like Alex who was exactly that. Alex took her from room to room, showing her the room her parents stayed in as opposed to where her grandparents lived; rooms with old world charm that had been updated for a 21st century family.

“And this was my room.” Alex opened the door to a room decorated in baby blues, grays, and white, with bay windows that opened to the sea.

“A king sized bed for little you?”

“I was the family favorite.” Alex snorted, taking a seat on the bed and patting the spot next to her for Olivia. And as always, the detective complied.

“This house is amazing, Alex. I can’t believe you got to spend so much time in such a lovely place. How you could ever come back to New York after this is beyond me.”

“When I started working full time, I was rarely able to come here. And when I did, I could only think of Manhattan. Manhattan and you. And I’d miss you and wonder what it would be like if you were here with me.” Alex fell back against the bed and Olivia followed suit.

“What would your mother think about that, Alexandra?” Olivia teased.

“She knew all about you.” Alex admitted, “I think if your daughter comes home and talks about this amazing detective she works with more and more every time you see her, yeah, I think you catch on. She asked me once, if I was in love with you.”

_It was Christmas 2002 and Alex had been lucky enough to be with her family this year, in the Barnstable estate she loved so much. She was 28 years old, but she still sat on the countertop while her mother baked sugar cookies, eating frosting before her mother had a chance to stop her._

_But her mother, being the observant woman she was, noticed quickly that Alex’s attention was elsewhere._

_“Alex, sweetheart?”_

_“Yeah, mom?”_

_“What are you thinking about?”_

_“Just my detectives.” Alex was evasive. She knew she talked about Olivia way too much with her mother, “I worry about them during the holidays. Especially when they work during them.”_

_“And Olivia? Where is she this holiday season?” She prodded, because what kind of mother would she be if she did not?_

_“She’s working. She says it’s better if she works because she doesn’t have to think about being alone. I was surprised she opened up to me about it. I’m worried about her.”_

_“How so?”_

_“She doesn’t seem to see that she didn’t have to be alone, if she didn’t want to be. She could be with me.” Alex’s eyes widened. She didn’t mean to say that out loud._

_“Alex, are you in love with her? You know, it won’t change a thing. I’ll love you regardless.”_

_“Mom—“_

_“Are you in love with her?”_

_“God, you have no idea how much.” Alex chuckled, “Mom, I’m in love with her and she’s never going to know it. It would ruin everything – work, our friendship, everything.”_

_“Don’t let her pass you by, sweetheart.” Her mother leaned into the oven, still speaking, though now muffled, “Life’s too short to wait for love.”_

“Little did I know that was going to be my last Christmas with my mother. But she was right, I shouldn’t have waited so long.”

“We’re here now though, sweetheart.”

“We are.” Alex placed a soft soothing kiss to Olivia’s forehead, “Still, I wish I would’ve said something when I knew I loved you. I wish I would’ve done it immediately and never wasted a minute on you.”

Alex had spent a lot of time, especially when she was in WitSec, thinking about the possibilities. What could have been if Alex pursued Olivia immediately? Where would they be now? Often, these thoughts brought Alex to tears, especially when she didn’t know if she’d ever see Olivia again. It was a miracle that Olivia was here with her now.

“You never have to worry about that again.” Olivia’s fingers found Alex’s silky tresses, a lock twirling around her finger, answering Alex’s thoughts without even knowing it.


	21. Chapter 21

The grounds of the estate took up three or four acres from Olivia’s estimate, so they drove around the grounds, rather than walk it – it would’ve been impossible to walk it. Olivia marveled at how beautiful everything was. Olivia was born and bred in Manhattan and hadn’t stepped foot outside of the city until she went off to college. She couldn’t imagine living so close to the open sea with so much space. The apartment she shared with her mother was practically a closet and she could fit her whole apartment into this place several times over.

“Alex, this place is truly wonderful.” Olivia said softly as Alex pulled to the front of the estate.

Alex took Olivia’s hand in her own, caressing it softly with her fingertips, “Is it overwhelming for you?”

“It – well it is. It is.”

“Can I ask why?”

“I – Alex, I can’t offer you this.”

“You don’t have to. I can offer it to myself. And to you, for that matter.” Alex sighed, “Liv, I can understand why this would all overwhelm you, but I have every intention on marrying you and never letting you leave my sight. And when I do that, all of this will be yours.”

“Alex –“

“I don’t say this to scare you, but I say it to let you know that all of this, me included, belongs to you. You can be overwhelmed, but you have to get used to it to because I’m not going anywhere and I’m not letting you go.”

Olivia smiled, “Anybody ever tell you that you have a way of making demands without sounding demanding.”

“No one’s ever said that.” Alex chuckled.

“I’m dying to get into that kitchen.” When Alex looked at her skeptically, Olivia responded, “I know I don’t cook often, but I can, in fact, cook very well.”

Alex smirked as she threw the car in reverse, “Well, on to the grocery store it is.”

XXX

An hour and about $200 later, Olivia and Alex were filling the fridge with everything that they’d bought early that day. While Olivia began preparing for dinner, Alex made a trip to the wine cellar. Only knowing that Olivia was cooking something with scallops, Alex grabbed a Sauvignon Blanc and returned to the kitchen. Olivia stood there chopping away at onions.

“Christ, you’re cute.” Alex grinned, placing the bottle on the counter, “It offends my feminist sensibilities but I certainly like the idea of you cooking for me every night.”

“Really, Alex?”

“Yes, really. It’s incredibly cute. Also, kind of sexy. Lastly, I like to eat and I love you so combining two of my favorite things, with a garnish of law enforcement and sex – it’s a win-win.”

Alex neglected to say that what she was really beginning to imagine was a time when she could come home to Olivia and perhaps a child or two. She neglected to say that she’d had thoughts similar since the moment she decided she was in love with Olivia.

“Alex, you’re adorable. I’d make you dinner every night, if, you know, I had time to make dinner every night.” Olivia chuckled.

“But, alas, the criminals don’t know how to take a break.”

“No, they don’t.” Olivia lamented.

Alex watched Olivia maneuver around the kitchen as she popped the cork and poured a glass of wine for both of them, “When you learn to cook like this?”

“Ah, when I was a little kid actually.”

“From your mom?”

“Yeah, when I was younger, she was much more sober than she was when I started becoming a teenager. And she used to cook these extravagant meals, even though we practically lived in a shoebox.” Olivia smiled, “And eventually, she’d show me how to make things. She’d say it was so I could feed her and myself when she got old. And I’ve been cooking since then. When I get a chance to myself, I like to cook.”

Alex smiled. It was nice that Olivia had a positive memory of her mother because Alex knew the kind of hell that woman had once put her through and the demons that still haunted Olivia to this day. “You like to cook. I like to eat. We’re perfect for each other.”

Olivia smiled, “We absolutely are.”

Alex sat the glass of wine for Olivia on the counter beside the detective and took a sip from her own, the smirk never leaving her face.

XXX

After dinner was done, Alex and Olivia relaxed in front of the fireplace. Olivia, with her head resting on Alex’s chest, had never felt quite as relaxed or as content. She wasn’t thinking about what would happen when they left in a few days, when she got back to work. She could only focus on Alex’s heartbeat and Alex’s fingers running through her hair.

“Have I ever told you how happy I am you grew your hair out? Don’t get me wrong; I loved your hair short too. But this is very you.”

“I think you just like playing in my hair.”

“That too.”

“Did you mean what you said earlier?”

“About what?”

“About marrying me.”

“I meant every word. You know, there was a time when I only imagined this in my head. I imagined the ways in which I would tell you how much I had grown to care for you; how that care grew into love and how I couldn’t see myself with anyone but you. I imagined nights like this, with dinner and wine. I imagined nights making love to you until we couldn’t stand it and nights holding you so close I could feel you inside my soul.” Alex chuckled, “So when you ask me if I want to marry you, you should know that I have imagined a life with you so full and rich that it got me through cold Wisconsin nights and I want nothing more than to say you’re my wife, when the time Is right.”

Olivia sat up and looked down at Alex, “Wow.”

“What?”

“Did you practice that before you said it?”

“No.”

“So, you can come up with beautiful language like that – convincing and persuasive language – without a second’s notice?” 

“I – uh, I guess?”

Olivia chuckled, leaning forward and kissing Alex softly, “You’re actually amazing. Truly amazing.”


	22. Chapter 22

Olivia woke up in a beautiful home, in a beautiful room with a beautiful view with an even more beautiful woman beside her and she realized very quickly that she could get used to this. Despite her fears and not feeling as if she deserved any of this kind of treatment, she thought about the life she could have with Alex. Sure, the idea of being able to get away from the city every now and then and not having to worry about being able to afford it was nice, but what was better than any vacation, exotic or domestic, was knowing that Alex loved her and was likely going to love her for the rest of her life, based on Alex’s own admission. That was a feeling that was hard to explain – hard to even just grapple with, but she trusted Alex.

The morning had been slow. Relaxed. Olivia made French toast, using mascarpone and Alex could barely believe how perfect everything was. What was even more remarkable to Alex was the fact that she didn’t see this feeling ending. They wouldn’t have the honeymoon period forever and Alex wasn’t naïve, but she couldn’t imagine not feeling this way for years to come. After breakfast, relaxation took the form of lazy post-meal love making and ended in a shared shower.

“So, I say we go visit my aunt. She lives in Hyannisport; it’s a twenty-minute drive, give or take. She wasn’t able to make it to Christmas brunch and I’d like to introduce you. If, that’s okay with you.”

“That’s perfectly fine, Alex. I love meeting your family.”

Taking a brush through her hair, Alex grinned, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. They’re all so nice.”

“They just know how much I adore you. They can tell I love you. And they know that I’ve never –“ Alex turned away from the mirror, “I’ve never been in love before. I think I might have thought that I had been, years ago, when I was in college, but it was short-lived. I never brought anyone home, really, and I never really wanted to keep anyone in my life for too long. You’re the first person they’ve ever seen me with like this.”

“Not even Robert?”

Alex scoffed, “Certainly not Robert.”

Olivia laughed in response, “But you were going to marry him!”

“I know. It’s hard to explain that time period, Liv. I barely knew who I was. I feel like I was trying so hard to regain this idea of Alexandra Cabot that I’m not sure ever existed – a skeleton of me, I suppose. So I focused on my career and Robert was there and he offered me a new platform, connections. But that’s not what I wanted. I found myself longing for the rush I got working with SVU and, most of all, you. God, I missed you. Just your presence in my life was necessary. Not to sound needy, but yeah, I needed a daily Benson fix.” Alex smirked, “And my family—they can see that.”

Olivia smiled, “I hope you know the same is true for me. I needed you, even when I denied it.” Alex stood, walking toward the bed where Olivia was reclined, dressed for the day; arms behind her head, and straddled her waist.

“I know.” Alex looked down. Olivia’s eyes twinkled in the sunlight and Alex couldn’t help her smile, “Trust me, I know.” And Alex did know. She could see it in her eyes, whenever she looked at her. She loved it – that look in her eyes that was love and lost and longing and happiness. She could never get enough of that, “I know you love me. You’ll never have to prove that.”

XXX

Olivia watched as the old world, blue-blood charm of Hyannisport passed by the window. Alex turned down a private drive and toward a house, smaller than the one they were staying in, but that wasn’t saying much. It was still much bigger than any house Olivia had ever lived in. 

Holding onto Olivia’s hand, Alex knocked on the door. 

Kay Harriman, at 80 years old, had been amongst the Harrimans who chose not to leave New England and she was proud of it. Her blonde hair had gone gray many years ago, the fine lines and wrinkles she wore proudly, but her eyes were still a shimmering blue.

And they shimmered a little bit more when she saw Alex, her favorite niece. Truthfully, Alex was everyone’s favorite niece, but Kay fancied she liked her more than the others. 

“Alexandra, Alexandra.” Kay opened her arms and engulfed her niece, “You look so lovely. Sorry I couldn’t make it to Christmas brunch. New York is too fast for me, you know?” Kay waived her hand dismissively, “But I heard you brought a date and this must be her.” Kay turned to Olivia. She put her hand out for a shake, “Nice to finally meet you. Olivia is it?”

“Yes. It’s nice to meet you too, ma’am.”

“Ooh, pretty and polite. Come in, come in.” Kay turned her back and the women followed behind her. “When they said you’d brought home a lady-cop, I didn’t expect her to be so cute.” 

Olivia blushed brightly and Alex chuckled, “You’re embarrassing my girlfriend, Aunt Kay.”

“Sorry, dear. Sit, please. Tea?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Be back in a second.”

Left alone in the front room, Alex placed her hand on Olivia’s knee. “I’m sorry. Sometimes Kay is – a lot to handle.”

“It’s okay. It’s pretty cute, if not a little embarrassing.”

Alex kissed her cheek softly, “I think she likes you already.”

XXX

“Bill tells me you’re home for good now.” Kay smiled knowingly. Alexandra Cabot had been career-focused since third grade. There’s no way she’d put her career on hold for just anyone; Olivia must have been the real deal. Alex had been alone for far too long for Kay’s liking.

“Yeah. I’ll be doing a little work in the city for a month or so, but otherwise, I’ve resigned from my post.” Alex sighed, happily, “After that, I have no idea. It’s not like I can just walk into the DA’s office and ask for my job back.”

“But you could, sweetheart.” Olivia chimed in, “You’re the darling of One Hogan Place, that building bows to you –“

“Oh, please.”

“No, they do. They’d gladly give you you’re old job back.”

“I don’t know that I want it.”

It was the first time Alex had vocalized the possibility of never returning to the DA’s office, but it had been a thought in her mind for a while now. It wasn’t that she didn’t love what she did. She absolutely loved it. But seeing the things she’d seen while in the Congo and The Hague and those women had changed her. The work she’d done so far helped a lot of people.

Now, she just wanted to do _more_.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Apparently Siena doesn’t have Greek life, so suspend your belief a bit, okay?

It was early evening when Olivia and Alex left Kay’s home. Olivia made dinner, again (as Alex, for all the things she could do, didn’t understand one thing about the kitchen and was more than willing to let the kitchen be Olivia’s domain). Swirling her wine around in her glass, Olivia looked down the table at Alex.

“Yes, darling?” Alex questioned, seeing the questions floating in Olivia’s eyes, even from across the table.

“I was just wondering what exactly it was that you wanted to do, now that you’re a free woman.”

“Well, I’m not exactly free, but I’m just – I’m not sure, Liv. I want to do more than put people behind bars. Don’t get me wrong; I love prosecuting. There’s only one thing I love more than being in the court and she’s sitting across from me.” Alex smirked, while Olivia’s tan cheeks blossomed, “When I think about the victims we’ve worked for and with, I think about the fact that after the trial, we never really see them again. We never know what becomes of them and I’m interested in filling that gap – the gap between the trial and life.”

Olivia’s smile widened with every passing second, “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Am I?”

“Absolutely. You’ve changed so much since the day we met. Don’t get me wrong; you’ve always been smart and eerily proficient. But I saw you change into this person who didn’t just want to win; you became this person almost as obsessed with justice as I am.” 

Alex had to laugh, “I learned from the best.” Truthfully, Alex credited Olivia with a lot of who she was today.

“You can do anything you put your mind to, Alex. You always have. So, what’s the plan?”

“That’s it, I don’t know.” There was a chuckle in her voice as she shrugged. It wasn’t often that Alex didn’t have a game plan. It just wasn’t in her nature to go into anything blindly.

“We’ll figure it out.”

Alex smiled. We. Alex and Olivia were a “we.” They were a “them”; an “us.” How long did she want that? 

“We will.”

XXX

With a heavy jacket, Alex braced herself against the cold winter air. From the back porch, the night sky twinkled. It was nothing like she’d ever seen in the city – the bright lights nearly drowned the stars at night. She remembered summers spent on the back porch with her grandfather, sometimes with her cousins, just relishing in the silence. Everyone deserved to see stars like these every now and then, most of all Olivia Benson.

“Olivia!” She called back through the open sliding door. Olivia, grabbing a blanket and tossing it over her shoulders, walked toward Alex.

“It’s cold. What are you doing out here?”

“Come here.” Alex held her hand out toward Olivia, welcoming the warmth of it in her palm. “Look up.”

Alex’s arms moved around Olivia’s waist as the brunette focused her attention on the sky, “Wow.”

“Have you ever seen the sky look like that?”

The bright twinkling of the sky reminded Olivia of being a much younger woman. She remembered a time at Siena. It was so quiet there, in comparison to the city and the lights weren’t nearly as bright. And from the back of the Kappa Kappa Gamma house, a beer in hand and only the muffled sound of a house party behind her, the stars were brighter than she’d ever seen them before. But, back then, Olivia hadn’t known Alex and these stars seemed brighter with her.

“No.” She whispered softly, “I’ve never seen them like this before.” Olivia paused, “I love this place, Alex.”

“We’ll come here more often then.”

XXX

“Now that I’m back here full time, I should start looking for a place.”

It was said over coffee on Olivia’s first day back to work. She’d gotten so used to having Alex with her – waking up beside her, sleeping next to her, making dinner for her, finding long strands of blonde hair on nearly everything she wore. She wasn’t ready to give that up, but she wasn’t going to push. She certainly wasn’t going to push her.

“Oh, yeah, I suppose you should, huh?”

“While you’re at work, I’ll look at a few, but I’d like you to see some with me. Think you can swing a long lunch.”

“Unless something comes up, I don’t see why not.”

“Okay, I’ll let you know where to meet me.”

Alex placed a soft kiss on Olivia’s soft, warm lips. She too had become accustomed to being with Olivia – smelling like her soap, borrowing her clothes, the intrusion of her cold toes against her feet in the middle of the night. But they couldn’t stay in this tiny one bedroom together forever and Alex knew that. All of Alex’s things were in a storage unit bigger than this apartment.

By mid-afternoon, Alex had seen two apartments for sale and one for rent, both of which she liked, but she didn’t love. Once Olivia joined her, the real estate agent had lost some of her enthusiasm, but was still excited to show Alex the last apartment.

The apartment on Park Avenue had three bedrooms and three and half bathrooms. A patio extended from the living room and the bedroom, with separate entrances from both rooms. It was bigger than anything Olivia had ever seen, certainly bigger than any place she’d ever lived. It was modern and Olivia could see Alex living there. It was beautiful and perfect. The place just looked like Alex.

“I really like this one.” Alex said softly as she joined Olivia by the window looking out onto the city, “I grew up near here.”

Olivia smiled. Alex rarely talked about growing up and neither did she. But when Alex did talk about it, she always spoke with a soft smile gracing her lips, “I can see you living in this place.”

“Can you see yourself living here?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you see yourself living here, with me?”

“Alex, are you asking me to move in with you?”

“I don’t want to live without you.”

“I can’t afford this place. This apartment is worth more than I’ll ever see in my lifetime.”

“You don’t have to worry about that because I can afford it.”

“I can’t just—“

“You can’t just let yourself be taken care of, I know. So if you want to pay for, I don’t know, utilities or whatever, okay. But I want you with me. I want to share this place that I really like with the woman I love.” Alex took Olivia’s hand in her own, “If this is too much—“

“Okay.”

“Okay? You want to move in with me?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”


	24. Chapter 24

Olivia began packing almost immediately and, when Olivia had to work, Alex took over for her. Working on the second bookshelf of three, she remarked that Olivia was incredibly well read. More well read than she last remembered. Well, her mother was an English professor and she probably inherited her love of literature from her. She silently hoped that this was something Olivia remembered fondly about Serena Benson.

She was interrupted by the sound of her phone.

“Cabot.” She answered.

“Hey, Cabot. Benson.” Olivia answered, her voice as smooth as it had ever been, “How’s packing going?”

“I just finished up the second bookshelf. Don’t get me wrong; I find your passion for reading incredibly attractive, but Christ, do you have enough books?”

Olivia chuckled, “Some of them are hand-me-downs from my mother.” 

“I see that.” She fingered the tattered spine of _Of Mice and Men_ , one she was sure was passed down.

“Come across any t-shirts from old boyfriends yet?” Olivia joked.

“They’re all in the dumpster in the back in flames. You should see it – flames are a few stories high.”

“Are you saying that I have so many exes that you could possibly set a five-story blaze with memorabilia?”

“You said it; not me.” Alex smiled as she heard Olivia laughing, “How’s work going?”

“It’s work. Caught a case this morning; dead woman in her apartment, sodomized.”

“Any leads?”

“Not as of yet.”

“I’m sure something will pop up soon.”

“Yeah. Well, I’ll let you go. I just wanted to be sure you weren’t trapped under a box or something.”

“I’m not.” Alex laughed, “Not yet anyway. For a tiny apartment, you have so much stuff.”

“Aren’t you glad you asked me to move in with you?”

“It’s actually the highlight of my life so far.” Alex’s voice was sincere and clear. Olivia knew she really meant that.

“Don’t make me cry at work.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Have a safe and pleasant rest of your day.”

“Thanks. Oh, and Alex?”

“Yes?”

“I love you too.”

XXX

A few hours later, Alex was done with the bookshelves and had moved on one of the closets. Before long she was sitting amongst boxes of Olivia’s things, exhausted. She groaned at the sound of her phone, noting that this time it wasn’t Olivia.

“Cabot.”

“Welcome back to the country, Alex.”

“Liz, I’ve been here for awhile and I’m just now getting a call from you?”

Not many people could say they knew Elizabeth Donnelly the way she did. Liz had gone to law school with Alex’s father, where the two became fast friends. It was hard to take Liz seriously as her boss when she still worked for her – she had been her favorite baby sitter as a child and it’s difficult to look at her without remembering bedtime stories and footie pajamas.

“Well, I hear you’ve been busy courting Olivia Benson.”

“And from whom did you hear that?”

“Is it not true?”

“Of course it’s true, but who told you?”

“It’s swirling around the courts. I have to say – no one was surprised.”

“Oh God. I guess it’s good to know I still inspire the rumor mill.” She chuckled, “You never call me without a reason, so what’s going on?”

“There’s a position available with the DA’s office that I’d like you to consider—“

“Liz, I’m not sure if I’m really interested in prosecution any more.“

“Really?”

“Yes, really. It’s not that I don’t love it, but I have my reservations about whether or not it’s actually worth it. Besides, how would you know about a position anyway? You haven’t worked for the DA’s office in years.”

“I still have my ear to the streets and Jack and I are still friends. You’ve been handpicked for the position. And I told Jack you’d be there tomorrow afternoon.”

“Liz!”

“Goodbye, Alexandra.”

She heard the distinct click of the phone indicating Liz had hung up.

XXX

When Olivia got home, it was nearly eight in the evening. Luckily for Alex, Olivia had come home with take out. Olivia’s table was covered with boxes, so the couple opted for sitting cross-legged on the floor with take out boxes and glasses of wine – just like the old days, Olivia remarked. Alex explained to Olivia the potential job offer with the DA’s office, offering the few details she had.

“Well, you know anything you decide to do, I’m behind you.”

“I know. Did you get any leads?” Alex asked.

“Well, sort of. We’re looking at her job. Something just seems wrong there.”

“Where did she work?”

“Luscious Grape, a wine company. Have you ever heard of it?”

“I have actually. Their wine is so-so, though.”

Olivia grinned, “Snob.” She watched as Alex smiled, noting that, when the smile reached her eyes, Alex couldn’t be more beautiful than she was in that moment, “You got a lot done in here today.”

“I did. You have so much stuff!”

“This is the second time you said that.”

“Well, maybe I think it needs to be reiterated. You know, we can keep anything you want to keep in terms of furniture.”

“No, no. From I remember from your old apartment, all of your things are much nicer…”

“Don’t start that now.”

“I’m just saying.”

“We can always buy new things. Whatever you want.” Alex noted Olivia’s sour expression, “You’re just going to have to get used to being pampered and getting taken care of, love.”

“I know.” Olivia groaned.


	25. Chapter 25

Alex pulled the black skirt suit from Olivia’s closet. She only had three suits here and an assorted number of other clothes. The rest of her things were either in storage here in the city or being shipped from Kinshasa. She’d be more than happy when they finally moved into their new apartment – she longed for something stable and permanent, considering she’d spent the last year, almost, living in a very transient way.

She felt the same about work, in some ways. She’d been siting at home, doing paperwork to finish up her tenure with the ICC through the DRC’s consulate in the city. She wanted something more hands on again, but something where she felt like she was actually making a difference. She hoped that this meeting would be that. If it were not, she was prepared to turn it down.

Walking through the halls of the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office was strange after a year or so of being away. The ADAs looked younger, the Bureau Chiefs much older, and she was getting looks that made her uncomfortable. It was like when she came back from Witness Protection. She wasn’t Alex Cabot, prosecuting attorney. She was Alex Cabot, the woman who came back from the dead.

“Alex, welcome back to the concrete jungle.” Jack stood from his desk and shook her hand.

“Glad to be home. You wanted to see me.”

“I did indeed. We’re starting a new bureau, investigative and prosecutorial. The Department of Justice has already started its own Civil Rights Division and within it, a division for sex trafficking. We’d like to take our cue from them and establish a unit for sex trafficking here on the city level. I believe your experience in the Special Victims Unit and your work with DRC and the ICC will be valuable here. I’d like to rehire you as an EADA.”

“Jack, I need time to consider…”

“If you’re concerned about your relationship with Olivia Benson, Elizabeth has already informed me of that and I’m not concerned about impropriety.”

Alex smiled. Jack McCoy had a reputation of his own – sleeping with his assistants was just the tip of the iceberg. Jack not being concerned with impropriety was not particularly surprising.

“Yes, that’s one of my concerns and I’d like to discuss it with her before I agree to anything.”

“Understandable. The offer is open and I’m not considering anyone else until you tell me you don’t want it.”

XXX

The squad room was relatively quiet when Cragen called Olivia into his office.

“Have a seat.”

“Is everything okay, Cap?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you privately.”

Admittedly, Olivia was nervous. It wasn’t often that he pulled her aside like this, despite the fact that they were much closer than she was with any of the detectives. When she started in SVU, he was first true parental experience. He wasn’t overbearing. He was encouraging. He was always there for her. He was everything her mother had not been.

He quietly slipped her a stack of papers; the notice for examination for promotion to Sergeant.

“You want me to take the sergeant’s exam?”

“I think you should.”

“We don’t need another sergeant. We have Munch.”

“And when he retires, I need to know there will be someone to step into his shoes.”

“But why me? Why not Fin or El?”

To be honest, the idea of sitting behind a desk scared Olivia. She was used to running around, she was used to doing the heavy lifting. She wasn’t ready to just give that up right now.

“Because you’ve been my number two for a long time. Frankly, there aren’t many more people that I trust with that kind of responsibility than you.”

“Is this an order, Cap?” She smirked.

“It is if it’ll make you take the test.”

XXX

“Can you believe that in two days, we’ll be officially living together?” Alex said softly, putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

“I really can’t. I’ve never really lived with anyone.”

“Are you scared?”

“Honestly, no.” Olivia joined Alex in the kitchen, “Not at all, actually. And surprisingly I’m excited. I’m so used to not having anyone with me, you know? I’m used to doing everything alone. But for the first time, I’m happy not to be.”

“Me too.”

“So, how was your meeting with Jack today?”

“Well, he offered me a job.”

“Where?”

“They’re starting a new bureau, strictly for sex trafficking.”

“So, he wants you to prosecute.”

“More than that. He wants me as an EADA. Says my experience with the ICC and in the DRC will be of use.”

“Wow, Alex. That’s going to put you on a fast track to the DA’s chair.”

“But, I’m going to be so busy. No time to myself, let alone for you.”

“We’ll make time. Take me out of the situation. What would you want?” Olivia asked.

“That’s the thing. You’re very much a part of the situation. I don’t want my work to interfere with our relationship or keep me away from you.”

“Anything worth having will take work.” Olivia placed her hands on Alex’s hips, “And we’re worth having.”

“So, you want me to take it?”

“I want you to do what you want.”

Alex had to be honest with herself. The job offer was a sweet one. It had all the elements of what Alex wanted since coming back from her work with the ICC. She could prosecute and feel like she was actually making a difference. And there seemed to be nothing standing in her way from having the relationship she wanted and the career future she’d planned for since she was 15.

“I’m taking it then.”

“I’m so proud of you, Alex.” She smirked as she watched the blush spread over her cheeks, “The captain wants me to take the Sergeant’s exam.”

“Really? Well, let’s be honest. With the exception of Don himself, you run that place. I’m not surprised he wants you to do it.”

“The idea of sitting behind a desk…”

“You probably won’t sit behind a desk all the time. And hell, Liv, you deserve to. More than anyone I know. You should take it the exam and see what happens.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask.”

Olivia’s arms got tighter around Alex, bringing her closer, “Well, counselor, it looks like we have something to celebrate, don’t we?”

“Do we now?” Alex leaned in, her lips only inches away.

“Mm hm.” Olivia lifted her in one swift motion, carrying her from the kitchen to the couch. She laid her down and quickly covered her body with her own, “And it might be our last chance to do this on this couch.”

Alex giggled, “I can’t wait to live with you.”

Olivia smiled back. She meant what she said earlier – she wasn’t afraid of the commitment. For a woman who was, more often than not, physically safe, this was the first time she felt safe emotionally. She never thought she’d ever commit this much in a relationship. Turns out, all it took was the right person.


End file.
